This has been the most up and down year I’ve ever experienced emotionally! As I thought back over 2022, my initial reaction was, “it sucked.” (Infertility really colors your perception of life.)

Back in January of last year, I thought I was ready to give up on trying to get pregnant with a second child. I felt like I had gone through a lot of the grieving process already, and I wanted to move on. At that point, we had been trying for a year and a half. We had thought IVF was our only hope to get pregnant again, but then in February we got some updated test results that showed that we actually might have a good shot if we kept trying on our own (supposedly).

I remember feeling shocked, and honestly angry. It felt like a trick. And I was scared. I didn’t want to open myself up to hope again, only to be disappointed. I had plans for 2022. I was going to live life to the fullest and not be so obsessed with ovulation and pregnancy achievement. It was going to be “my year.” The day before we heard about the new test results, I had literally taken every baby item I had saved over the years and put it all in a big pile in the garage to donate (or trash). I had literally just emailed a friend about why I was feeling content with only having one child and being a family of three.

What a dangerous thing, to declare it to be “your year!”

I figured if we didn’t keep trying, I might regret it one day. What if I really could get pregnant?

But the months all passed, and here we are at the end of 2022, and there’s no baby in sight.

Obviously, that’s been the most sucky part of this year. But there were some other doozies too:

• January 3rd I tested positive for COVID, less than a week before we were supposed to go on a big family trip.

• In February I applied and interviewed for a job I really wanted, one for which I thought I was a shoo-in, and ended up not even getting called back for a second interview – a HUGE hit to my self-esteem.

• In April I randomly had to go to the ER for pain from an ear infection because it was so bad I couldn’t sleep or wait until the morning to go to the regular (and much cheaper) doctor.

• Month after month after month I didn’t get pregnant – my own hellish version of Groundhog’s Day

So yeah, 2022 really did kind of suck.

But it was also really great too.

• In January we went to Florida on a family reunion trip to Disney World (the trip did not end up getting cancelled because of COVID)

• (Jan-Aug) One of my best friends temporarily moved back into town for 8 months and we got to hang out in person and do all the things

• (May) After being disappointed about getting rejected for the job I applied for, my boss allowed me to move to a new department I liked way better and I also was approved to work 32 hours a week so I could have Fridays off

• (June) I auditioned and was chosen to be a reader at Abilene’s CALF festival

• (June) Went to Fan Expo in Dallas and got to meet (briefly) Brendan Fraser

• (Aug) Found and got to keep the sweetest little kitten, Daisy

• (Aug-Dec) My husband and I facilitated a small group focused on marriage enrichment, and the group was amazing (we were probably blessed more than the participants were!)

• (Nov) Got to do an adults-only trip with friends who had never visited Disneyland before, and it was so awesome and fun!

My list of positives from 2022 ended up being longer than my negatives, but that doesn’t mean the year still wasn’t extremely hard and stressful. And even though 2022 did kind of suck, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t also really wonderful at the same time.

It DID mean that I’ve felt like an emotional yo-yo all year long, which has honestly been truly exhausting.

But I’m grateful for so much positivity in the midst of darkness. I’d rather feel like a yo-yo than feel like I’m just sitting at rock bottom all year long.

So how was your year? If you could sum it up in one word, what would it be? I tried to find a word that meant both great and bad and the closest thing I found was agathokakological.