[ If you missed part 1, you can go back and read it here! ]
It’s not like I had never questioned parts of my faith before – my faith had evolved slowly over the years, and certain events in my life had definitely made an impact on what I believed. But I had never gotten to the point where faith felt so pointless… and it scared me because I wondered, “is this the moment where I’m going to give up on God?”
I grew up being so afraid of any shred of doubt (because doubt meant that you were a “bad” Christian, and also that maybe you were probably going to hell.) I’m embarrassed to say I was well into my adult years before I realized that “faith” and “doubt” were not opposites. I can’t remember where I heard it, but recently someone told me “faith without any doubt is just knowledge.”
I wish doubt had been talked about more when I was younger. I wish doubt hadn’t been so vilified, but that it had been normalized as an essential part of everyone’s spiritual journey. But growing up, it seemed like everyone at church never questioned anything. “The Bible says it, so I believe it.” Honestly, never questioning what you believe is super unhealthy.
So, to continue my story, it was January of 2023 – we had just given up all hopes of getting pregnant, and I was still reeling from feeling like God had deceived me.
And I was super angry. Also probably depressed, but mostly I just felt livid at God… and kind of at everyone and everything in general.
Why had God ignored my prayers, but seemed to answer everyone else’s? Was my faith too weak? Was I not worthy? Was there some reason why God didn’t want me to have another child? I felt like I was owed an explanation.
Many people I talked to offered pieces of advice (some good, some bad). There were people who told me that God would answer my prayer “in His perfect timing.” One person told me if God had “put the desire for another child in my heart,” then He would surely grant it to me eventually.
I wanted so desperately to believe that “everything happens for a reason,” but honestly I just felt like I couldn’t anymore. For my friends who had suffered miscarriages or stillborn babies, had that happened “for a reason?” Did all the pain and injustice in the world really happen “for a reason?”
Sometimes, I think shit just happens.
And I think that God is just as sad about it as we are. I think God sits with us in our suffering and grief, and deeply cares for each one of us.
But at the time, it just felt like God had forgotten about me.
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