Tag: healing

comfort zone circle

Struggling with Faith: How Infertility Permanently Affected What I Believe (pt. 3)

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If you are following along and you have read part II, I mentioned that I had decided that I didn’t want to give up on my faith. But I was still so angry and hurt, and I didn’t really know how to move forward. Unfortunately, there was no fast forward button to emotional and spiritual healing. It was going to take time.

I did a lot of personal journaling during this time. Journaling is a great way to process through your feelings, and for myself, I’ve found that it is a great way to start to heal from emotional wounds. (*The cool thing is there is actually brain science to support this!)

Here’s an excerpt from my journal dated January 10, 2023:
“I feel so numb. I can’t worship, at least not well. I go through phases. Every time I read about God’s love and faithfulness, it triggers me, and I feel dead inside. I think “not me” when I read those. I guess He’s those things to everyone else.”

I told my therapist I was just so tired of feeling bad. “Of course you are!” she told me. However, she told me that my job right now was just to “feel my feelings.” I hated that advice. Where was the quick fix? The pill that would instantly make me feel better?

As “fun” as feeling my feelings was, I needed a few more tangible things to do with my time. I knew there would not be a quick fix to heal from this, but I needed to feel like I was actively working towards it. In addition to journaling, I started running. (Side note: anger is GREAT fuel for running!)

I also decided to cut back on a few of my obligations (I often volunteer at my church and in the community) – I chose the one thing that was causing me the most stress, and I told my team I needed a mental health break. I was honest with them about infertility and the toll it had taken on me, and they were all very supportive of me stepping back.

Psalm 86:5-7

When I could stomach reading the Bible, I decided to read Psalm 86. For a long time, every time I read it, it made me so angry. It spoke of a God who hears my prayers and who answers me in my time of distress. Needless to say, that was not what I was experiencing… But I wanted so badly to believe it. So I read this Psalm each day, and tried to let this truth soak into me.

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Review of Britney Spears’ Memoir: The Woman in Me (Spoiler: I loved it!)

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I love hearing people’s stories – obviously I love sharing my own stories, but I also love learning about other people’s experiences. I’ve read a lot of memoirs this year including Michael J. Fox’s, Tom Felton’s, and Elliot Page’s – but the one that I surprisingly connected with the most was Britney’s The Woman in Me.

I was an OG Britney Spears fan. I was in 7th grade when her first album came out, and …Baby One More Time was one of the first cds I remember buying. I remember trying to learn the dance to (You Drive Me) Crazy with my friend Heidi. We practiced it over and over for hours! (Did anyone else have the VHS tape of Darrin’s Dance Grooves?!)

As I got older, I didn’t keep up with Britney’s music as much, but I definitely remember hearing about her in the news and tabloids. I remember when she shaved her head, and the media portrayed her as being “crazy.” I remember a guy in one of my high school classes talking about how he loved the Toxic music video because Britney was basically naked in it. Most of the talk I heard about Britney was either about how scandalous she was or about how people thought she was crazy.

I remember a few years ago when #FreeBritney started trending. My initial reaction was that it was just a rumor, that it had to be fake. But I remember wondering later if it could be true. And if it was true, how truly sad and terrible that would be.

It’s hard to separate truth from fiction – the news can obviously be a very biased source of information, and lately I feel like everything I read I have to take with a grain of salt. But I do think that we did learn that Britney had been trapped in some form or fashion under an abusive conservatorship. I can’t 100% know the truth behind her family’s motivation for doing that to Britney, but it sure does seem like they were taking advantage of her and exploiting her money.

When I heard that Britney had published a memoir, I immediately knew I wanted to read it. The day it came out in October, I searched for it in our library’s online catalog and saw that it already had a wait for it. I put a hold on it and was 5th in line to get it. I expected it to be full of drama and thought it would be more of an interesting read than anything else.

I didn’t expect to connect so deeply to the story. I didn’t expect to be stirred so emotionally by it. Honestly, I almost cried at one point while reading it. After reading it, I just wished I could meet Britney and give her a big hug!

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"on the road to healing"

July 26th – 7 Years of Slow and Steady Healing

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I almost forgot that today is July 26th – today used to be a day I dreaded, the anniversary of when I was admitted to the hospital for postpartum depression. I didn’t even register that today was a significant anniversary until I saw a Facebook memories post from 2 years ago when a friend had sent me flowers. I honestly don’t even think I would have remembered otherwise.

I take this as a good sign, a sign of healing. In one sense, 7 years is a long time. But in another sense, I feel good about the fact that in just 7 years, I’ve been able to process a very traumatic event and move past it. I’ve accepted it as part of my story, I’ve recognized how it has made me stronger and more empathetic to the struggle of others. It is a moment on my journey of life that has made me a better person.

July 26th is also the day that I started this blog – 6 years ago today, one year after experiencing postpartum depression, I created Threads of Anxiety. Sometimes I’m a little hit-or-miss as far as writing and publishing posts, but it’s been something I’ve enjoyed doing, I think it’s helped me become a better writer, and it’s certainly helped me process through some difficult events. In a way, writing is magic, it unlocks thoughts that you didn’t even know you had.

Blogging has also allowed me an avenue to share my story, which has been a huge part of my journey to healing.

Healing doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten the traumatic event, or that it doesn’t hurt a little to think about it. And healing doesn’t mean that I’m “back to my old self.” I’ve been forever changed. But it does mean that I’m moving forward and owning my story, and I’m so thankful to be where I am today.

I don’t know that I could have healed in isolation. There are so many people who have helped me along the way – therapists, my husband, friends, and family. There are people who have reached out to me after reading my blog just to say thanks for sharing it. Others have come up to me to tell me that they, too, were hospitalized for postpartum depression – I realized over and over again that I was not alone in my struggle.

To wrap up, I just want to take a moment to look July 26th in the eye and say, as Jennifer Connelly does in the movie Labyrinth…

You have no power over me.