Category: mental health

woman with her head (literally) in the clouds

My Word for 2023: CURIOSITY

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Normally at the beginning of a new year, I come up with a word – a focus for the year ahead. But when January 1 rolled around this year, I was drawing a blank.

I was in a bad place at the beginning of this year. Well, really since earlier than that. But everything sort of culminated in January. I had poured my heart and soul into trying to get pregnant in 2022. I felt like God or the universe (or someone) had given me signs that it was going to happen. And then it didn’t.

When 2023 started, I was so angry. I felt like I was angrier than I’ve ever been in my life. Angry at everyone, I hated everything.

I told my therapist that I was tired of hurting, I wanted to feel better now, but I didn’t know how to make that happen. And she told me that maybe I was doing exactly what my body and mind needed me to do: simply being in a horrible, bad place and just feeling my feelings.

It reminded me of the practice of mindfulness. I needed to be aware, without judgment, of my feelings and just sit with them for a while. If I repressed them or tried to pretend that they weren’t there, I wouldn’t be able to move past them or heal.

Feeling my feelings was not the answer I wanted to hear. I wanted a pill, a drug, a quick fix to my problems. I had felt so many feelings already and it was exhausting! How could I make them go away?

We left that therapy session and I (jokingly) told Dean, “what are we paying her so much for?” She hadn’t solved my problems, she hadn’t fixed my pain. But I found out about 3 weeks later that she was 100% right.

For 3 weeks, I burned with anger at God and the world. I resented hearing about any new pregnancy announcements. I was lethargic and unmotivated about most everything – with the exception that I decided to start training for a half marathon. That was my one goal, my one distraction that kept me grounded. And I had so much anger that running was a good way to get it out, or at least to fuel my runs.

For 3 weeks my body worked through a lot of the hurt. I grieved. I processed. I survived a faith crisis (that’s a whole other story). And then suddenly it started to not hurt as much. I hadn’t “done” anything in particular. I had started exercising (good), I had done a lot of journaling of my feelings (also good), and I had shared and cried with some of my closest friends about my sadness and grief – and because they are wonderful friends, they listened without judgment and offered me grace and compassion.

I’m not going to pretend like it doesn’t still hurt, it does. But the constant feeling like someone has kicked me in the chest has gone away. The clouds have lifted and I’m feeling more like myself, the Erica before joining the infertility club.

Honestly, I had kind of forgotten who I was before becoming so obsessed with trying to get pregnant. It had taken over me. It seemed like all the fun, spontaneous, and happy parts of me had gotten lost, and the only parts left of me were the ugly, angry, and bitter ones.

In that same therapy session where I told my therapist I was tired of hurting, I also told her that I wanted to get another tattoo. “Another tattoo?” she said. She hadn’t even noticed the one I had on my wrist. I then told her that I kind of wanted a sleeve, but that I wasn’t totally sure what I would get – maybe I’d let my tattoo artist help me decide.

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egg and sperm (depicted with cookie and frosting)

Some (not-so) Fun Infertility Facts

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“While everyone experiences stress differently, you can’t underestimate it. The further you go [with fertility treatments], the more stressful it is if it doesn’t work. If it works, you’re done. Everyone is happy. If it doesn’t, some people have lost a major part of their self, what they believe to be their future, and that’s terrifying.”

– Dr. William Hurd, chief medical officer for the American Society for Reproductive Medicine

Are you (or is someone you know) dealing with infertility right now? Chances are good you do know someone, even if they’ve never told you about their struggle. 1 in 8 couples (some sources say more like 1 in 5) are unable to pregnant after a year of trying, which technically means they qualify as “infertile.”

Here are a few (not-so-fun) facts I’ve learned about infertility over the past few years:

  • In infertile couples, there is an equal chance that the cause is from the man or the woman (this is not just a woman’s issue!)
  • In one third of infertile couples, the problem can’t be identified OR is a combination of factors from a man and woman.
  • Secondary infertility (not being able to get pregnant after the birth of one or more children) occurs at the same rate as primary infertility. 50% of infertility cases are secondary infertility.

Even-less-fun facts about infertility and mental health:

  • As many as 21-52% of women struggling with infertility experience depression.
  • “While infertility treatments are physically demanding, several studies suggest that the emotional stress of the ordeal is the primary reason many couples decide to give up.”
  • Anxiety and depression increased in couples who had failed ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) treatments.
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makeup brushes and cases

Maybe I Just Won’t Wear Makeup

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It’s been almost 3 weeks since I’ve worn makeup – well, full-face foundation anyway.

I gave it up for two reasons: number one, I have been having a lot of trouble with breakouts, the small kind that are just all over your face. And I had been wondering if makeup buildup was causing me to breakout. Number two, I had a difficult day or two and just decided that I didn’t care enough to do my makeup.

I’m honestly not sure if I’m on the path to simply accepting and loving my true self more, or if I’m spiraling down into an “I-don’t-care-about-anything-anymore” pit. Maybe a little bit of both.

I would love to be beautiful enough to go makeup free all the time. I don’t really think I am. But I also don’t think makeup makes me that much prettier, so it seems like wasted energy. Just from an efficiency perspective, it makes more sense to give it up altogether!

That first day of zero makeup was a Monday, and I went to work wondering if anyone would say that I looked tired, or ask if I was sick (you know how that happens…) But nobody said anything. Later in the week I met up with a friend for coffee, had dinner with a group of friends, and even went to Sunday morning church, all without wearing makeup – and still nobody said a word.

So there are two possibilities: either I don’t look that much different with or without makeup (I didn’t wear heavy makeup anyway) or I looked so bad that people thought it would be rude to say anything. Part of me is dying to know the answer, but part of me thinks it is better if I don’t. I’m doing this for myself, and that should be all that matters.

For anyone who has ever struggled with acne or skin problems, going without makeup is kind of a big deal. Speaking from my own experience, I kind of always get it in my head that my skin looks “bad.” Even when my skin is relatively clear, all it takes is one little pimple to trigger a big emotional response from me and make me want to cover my face with a paper bag.

I went online and read about people who had given up makeup, and how (supposedly) after weeks and months went by, their skin just glowed! (I’m skeptical, but like the idea obviously.)

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