butterflies and sparkles

Struggling with Faith: How Infertility Permanently Affected What I Believe (pt. 5)

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Grief is a cocoon from which we emerge new.


Untamed (p. 271)

So what now? Where do I go from here?

I could stay mad at God, I could give up on faith because it doesn’t make sense and life is generally unfair…

But I just can’t. There is some small part of me that refuses to give up on faith. I experienced the same thing when I went through postpartum depression. It felt like my world was turned upside down, and nothing made sense, but there was the tiniest ember of faith inside me that just refused to be extinguished. And all I can do is try to fan that flame into life again.

So here are the things I’m focusing on right now:

  1. Trying not to be bitter – pregnant people are everywhere. Babies are everywhere. It’s so easy to assume that everyone else “has it all” and is living your dream life. But they aren’t. Despite what you’re seeing on social media, no one’s life is perfect – no one “has it all.” But at the moments when it seems like everyone else is luckier than me, I don’t want to be bitter or envious. I want to be happy for others, genuinely happy. I’ve had to do a lot of pretending the past three years – a lot of gritting my teeth and saying “Congratulations!” I’m practicing holding space for my own pain AND space for joyfulness for others at the same time.

  2. Being grateful – part of trying to not be bitter is working on gratitude. One of the good things that has come out of dealing with secondary infertility is being able to appreciate the kid I do have. He feels more like a miracle to me now. We don’t know why we were able to get pregnant so quickly with our son, and our doctor said that maybe it had been a “one-in-a-million lucky shot.” Besides my son, there are a lot of other really good things happening in my life right now. I have the greatest friends – I have people who consider me a best friend, and that was something I had been desiring for a long time. Adult friendships are difficult, and I feel so thankful to have met the right people at the right time.

  3. Accepting uncertainty – there is no avoiding this one, unfortunately. I’ve had to work hard to just accept uncertainty. I’ve realized that faith isn’t really faith if there is no element of doubt or uncertainty in it. Glennon Doyle in her book Untamed says, “control leaves no room for trust – and maybe love without trust is not love at all” (p. 316).
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question mark over woman's face

Struggling with Faith: How Infertility Permanently Affected What I Believe (pt. 4)

EricaLeave a comment

Right in the middle of trying to process all of my feelings and the overwhelming sense of doubt, I was helping my church plan a women’s retreat, scheduled to take place in April.

I was asked if I might consider being a speaker at the retreat, sharing a story about how God had worked in my life. Initially I said I wasn’t sure, and I briefly mentioned that I was going through a difficult time, and I didn’t think God would resolve it by the time the retreat came about. “It doesn’t need to be resolved,” the other women assured me.

I told them that I was having a bit of a struggle with my faith, and that I didn’t want to be a downer at the retreat. But again, I was encouraged that being honest and openly sharing my faith struggle could be a really powerful thing for people to hear.

So I agreed to share my story. That April, in front of many of the women at my church, I shared what had taken place over the past few months – how I was angry at God, and how it didn’t feel like He cared or even noticed me.

Usually when I hear a story or testimony at a church event, it wraps up nicely with something like, “and God worked it all out in the end” or “it took a long time, but God had a plan for me the whole time…” I had rarely heard testimonies where people ended it with, “I still don’t really know why this happened, and I’m not sure anything good is coming from it.” But that’s how I ended mine.

It ended up truly being a blessing for me to be able to share my story, because I had multiple women come up to me afterwards to share how they had also struggled with infertility. Some of them had suffered pregnancy losses, some had eventually given up on their dream of having children… for many of them, their stories, likewise, did not wrap up nicely in a tidy bow. Some were still dealing with grief years later.

It’s interesting to ponder why God seems to answer some prayers and not others. There are so many stories in the Bible of God having compassion on barren women, and eventually granting them a child: Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, and Hannah – but I wonder how many godly women were never granted a child? And why aren’t their stories told in the Bible?

I’ve heard a similar pondering about Jesus – in the stories told about him, he is often seen healing someone – but he doesn’t literally heal every person in every situation. So how do those overlooked people feel? They watch Jesus miraculously bless someone else’s life, and then are left to continue to deal with their own suffering. Can you imagine what that would feel like?

Maybe you can… maybe you know exactly what that feels like.

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comfort zone circle

Struggling with Faith: How Infertility Permanently Affected What I Believe (pt. 3)

EricaLeave a comment

If you are following along and you have read part II, I mentioned that I had decided that I didn’t want to give up on my faith. But I was still so angry and hurt, and I didn’t really know how to move forward. Unfortunately, there was no fast forward button to emotional and spiritual healing. It was going to take time.

I did a lot of personal journaling during this time. Journaling is a great way to process through your feelings, and for myself, I’ve found that it is a great way to start to heal from emotional wounds. (*The cool thing is there is actually brain science to support this!)

Here’s an excerpt from my journal dated January 10, 2023:
“I feel so numb. I can’t worship, at least not well. I go through phases. Every time I read about God’s love and faithfulness, it triggers me, and I feel dead inside. I think “not me” when I read those. I guess He’s those things to everyone else.”

I told my therapist I was just so tired of feeling bad. “Of course you are!” she told me. However, she told me that my job right now was just to “feel my feelings.” I hated that advice. Where was the quick fix? The pill that would instantly make me feel better?

As “fun” as feeling my feelings was, I needed a few more tangible things to do with my time. I knew there would not be a quick fix to heal from this, but I needed to feel like I was actively working towards it. In addition to journaling, I started running. (Side note: anger is GREAT fuel for running!)

I also decided to cut back on a few of my obligations (I often volunteer at my church and in the community) – I chose the one thing that was causing me the most stress, and I told my team I needed a mental health break. I was honest with them about infertility and the toll it had taken on me, and they were all very supportive of me stepping back.

Psalm 86:5-7

When I could stomach reading the Bible, I decided to read Psalm 86. For a long time, every time I read it, it made me so angry. It spoke of a God who hears my prayers and who answers me in my time of distress. Needless to say, that was not what I was experiencing… But I wanted so badly to believe it. So I read this Psalm each day, and tried to let this truth soak into me.

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