The Day I Won the “World’s Okayest Mom” Award

I am about to tell you a story that I can hardly believe happened to me – one that I feel is worthy of putting myself up for the nomination to win the “World’s Okayest Mom” award. (In other words, I basically had a big parenting fail moment!) Initially I felt so terrible about it, but have since laughed and shared the story with friends and family, so I figured I might as well share it with the world!

I hope on those days when you feel like you’re not good enough, when you feel bad for making mistakes, you will think about this story and know that we’re all in this together! You are worthy – you are good enough – you are loved.

A few weeks ago, I was in the midst of the one of the most stressful weeks I’ve had in a while. It was the final week of my Fall semester at grad school, and I had two major projects due that were between 20%-30% of my final grade (no pressure!) I am a very good student, but due to some crazy circumstances this semester, I was genuinely worried I was not going to pass one of my classes. I knew these projects would require many hours of work to be acceptable to turn in, but it just so happened that this final week Dean was planning to go out of town for work two different times – which meant I was by myself with our two-year-old son. And after working all day and then finally getting my son to bed, I found it very difficult to stay awake to complete my homework. When I don’t get enough sleep, I start to get sick… so of course about halfway through the week I started feeling terrible. It was a classic snowball effect situation.

During this final week, one of my sweet coworkers asked me if I would like a Christmas ornament with Calvin’s name and birthday info on it – she was making ornaments for other friends who had recently had kids, and they were turning out so cute that she thought I might want one.

I replied that yes I would, and so my coworker told me that I just needed to send her the basic info: first name, middle name, date, time, weight, etc. I started typing out a text with all the information:

Calvin Alex
June 30, 2016
11:40pm
6 lb, 7.5 oz

My coworker responds via text that she hadn’t known what Calvin’s middle name was, to which I said, “It’s Dean’s middle name too.”

Another week went by, and I got my assignments turned in (I passed the class by the way) and my coworker brought me the ornament she had made. It was so cute, and I told her I loved it! I set it on my desk at work knowing I would take it home later that day. I took a picture of it and almost posted it to Instagram, but I didn’t want the surprise to be ruined for other friends she was giving ornaments to, so I waited.

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I went to lunch, our university was providing a free meal to all faculty and staff in the cafeteria, so I ate with some of the other library staff and then headed back up to my office. I sat down and logged into my computer, and I again noticed the ornament sitting on my desk.

At that point, something suddenly occurred to me: “Alex” is not Calvin’s middle name.

It is Dean’s middle name, and it was the middle name of Dean’s grandfather for whom Calvin is named after, “Calvin Alex Pye,” but I then remembered that we had decided on a different middle name for our son: Miles.

Can I just tell you that I have not felt that embarrassed in a long time? I literally forgot my son’s middle name for a week and a half – I literally told my coworker that my son had the same middle name as my husband, a fact that was completely false.

I texted my coworker at that point, and the text began: “you are going to think I am insane…”

Genuinely, I think I had been under so much stress, that I kind of had been a little out of my mind. I cannot believe that I didn’t realize my mistake sooner – but hey folks, that’s what stress does to you!

So, if you’re feeling like you’ve made a huge parenting fail – it’s okay – tell someone, they’ve probably done something similar or crazier! Find someone to laugh about it with you. Surround yourself with people who will love and support you and not shame you for your mistakes.

And give yourself some grace.

Also, if there really is a “World’s Okayest Mom” award – please consider nominating me.

Thanks for reading!

 

 

Imposter Syndrome X 3

I just had a live community call of librarians – it is a once a month thing for new librarians to get together and talk about their successes and struggles, and to support each other in their new careers. After hearing people share some of their failures, I spoke up on the call and told everyone that I actually felt really encouraged to hear that people were brave enough to try something they might fail at.

I personally find myself avoiding being put into situations where I feel I might fail, as if failure would be the worst thing that could possibly happen to me. Anyone else out there like that?

Another librarian responded to my comment, sharing a failure she had experienced during a presentation, and she mentioned the idea of Imposter syndrome. There are a lot of definitions of imposter syndrome that you can find online, but the general idea is that you believe most of your achievements are a fluke, despite evidence that you are skilled and competent. You feel you don’t deserve recognition for the things you achieve, and you continually feel pressure to prove yourself to others.

It’s like a lightbulb went off in my head – I feel like I’ve been experiencing this in my job. And the more I thought about it, the more it makes absolute sense. I got hired for my job without having the required degree listed in the job posting, or even any library experience. I’m working on my degree now, and have about 8 months of experience at this point –  but I’m kind of doing it “backwards” so to speak. There are many times I don’t know exactly how to do something, and I start to worry that maybe someone made a mistake somewhere…

At the end of the call, it was mentioned that another upcoming call is happening later this month, specifically on the topic of Imposter Syndrome. (What a coincidence!) To me, this caused more lightbulbs to go off in my head – okay, I feel like someone’s trying to get my attention.

After the call, I went downstairs for my noon shift at the research desk. There are typically many college students milling around on this floor, and as two students were walking by, I overheard one of them say to another, “Have you ever heard of Imposter Syndrome?” (I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING, THIS REALLY HAPPENED!) At this point, I was like, “I have got to research Imposter Syndrome!”

Is it too bold to say that God wants me to think about this today? I’m gonna say that He does – I had it mentioned to me three different times today in the span of about 30 minutes.

I found an article online that recommended a book called, “The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Imposter Syndrome and how to Thrive in Spite of It.” The book identifies five types of people who may commonly suffer from Imposter Syndrome, and two of the types I immediately identified with:

  • The Perfectionist
  • The Natural Genius

It’s easy to understand why a perfectionist would have Imposter Syndrome – they set excessively high goals for themselves and if they don’t meet those goals 100%, they can feel like a failure. No matter how good they are at something, they always think about how they could be better.

The natural genius is the type of person who if they have to work hard at something, may feel like they are automatically bad at it. This is a person for whom many things have come easy, for example, maybe they always got straight A’s in school. So the minute they realize something doesn’t come naturally, they assume they should avoid it because they aren’t already good at it, and probably never will be.

I know I may get some flack for saying I connect with the natural genius one, but I really do. I never struggled in school until I got to 8th grade math, and things did not come as easily to me – I wasn’t the “best” in the class anymore. I distinctly remember just deciding that I didn’t like math because I wasn’t good at it. This happened for me later in high school Chemistry, and I even decided I shouldn’t pursue becoming a veterinarian because I wasn’t good at science. (I had always thought I might be a vet, or an artist for Disney, I loved to draw!)

So I’ve definitely got some things to think about today – the main takeaways for me are:

  1. It’s okay to not be the best at something – and it doesn’t mean that you aren’t still very good at it.
  2. It’s okay to be a work in progress and still be learning.
  3. I don’t have to avoid something just because it is a challenge – there are a lot of things I’m naturally good at, but if I avoid the things that take a bit more work, I’ll never know how good I could have been at them if I’d only tried.
  4. It’s okay to try and fail. It doesn’t make me a failure.

 

Even though it puts me out of my comfort zone, I’m going to keep trying to do things I’m not always good at. This can be something as simple as playing a board game I know I’m going to lose, because I’m not good at it. (I’ll admit, I’m the type of person who only wants to play games I can win!) Or, it can look like coming to my job every day and being brave enough to try new things, and even fail at some.

P.S. I’m also a Ravenclaw, so I obviously take a lot of pride in being “smart” and feeling like I know what I’m doing… I assume Gryffindors are more comfortable with taking chances and failure…