It’s Scary to Love You

I hit a breaking point today.

This was a rough week. Calvin got a fever Monday night, and has not been able to return to daycare the rest of this week. That means Mommy and Daddy needed to take off work to stay home with the little guy. His fever was gone Wednesday, so I thought we were in the clear, but it returned Thursday.

Thursday was also the day Dean woke up feeling awful and ended up being diagnosed with strep throat. So Mommy and Daddy both missed the entire day of work Thursday, and Mommy was busy trying to take care of both Calvin and Daddy the whole day.

Friday morning (today) I finally got Calvin in to see the doctor. Turns out he probably has something similar to what Dean has, so he’s on antibiotics. But the doctor also noticed a rash and wanted Calvin to get blood work done just to check on a few things. Every other time Calvin’s needed blood work, it’s always been a prick on the foot.

But not today – I should have suspected something when we were asked to go to the “lab” across the street. I went into said lab expecting for him to get a prick, and they pull out the needles, vials, and all the trimmings to do a full-out blood drawing from his arm. I am not good with having blood drawn, sometimes I start to get faint and black out. It didn’t help that I wasn’t mentally prepared for this, and it certainly didn’t help that I was worried about Calvin – he’s too little for me to explain what is about to happen to him.

They stick the needle in his arm – he’s on my lap and I’m holding his legs still while 2 nurses are holding his arms. He doesn’t cry, but they also can’t get any blood. I start to get dizzy and start seeing spots. I tell the nurses that I think I’m starting to black out – which was also unexpected for me – now I know that I have the potential to black out not only when I am giving blood, but when others are as well. (You learn something new every day!) Maybe it didn’t help that I was sitting in the chair…

The nurses have me lay down on the bed and they hold Calvin for me. They call in a third person and decide to try to get blood from his other arm. This time, he starts crying. I can see them moving the needle around in his arm, trying to find the vein. No such luck. I tell the nurses that maybe we should quit and try another day.

They give me the option to try a finger prick, although because the blood clots fast it might not work. We decide to try, although now looking back I think I should have said no… The prick happens, and Calvin is crying again. They try to squeeze as much blood out of him as they can, but turns out, it wasn’t enough. So we leave, having endured all that, for nothing.

I get in the car, and now Mommy (that’s me in case you haven’t figured out who “Mommy is”) is the one crying. I had been overwhelmed this week already and this was the final straw on the camel’s back. I also have been neglecting my daily affirmations and meditations, yes I know, shame on me…

By the time we get home, Calvin is fine. He wants to go out and play in the backyard. He’s laughing and smiling and finding twigs and leaves to play with. But Mommy is still having a hard time.

I know that this experience was harder for me than it was for Calvin – and I know being a parent means many more experiences like that. Everything hard and painful that Calvin experiences, or will experience, hurts me too. And it’s scary. I think about the high school shooting that happened this past week in Florida, and it scares me. How can I send my kid to school when things like this are happening all over the place? I feel traumatized from a bad doctor’s office experience – I can’t imagine the level of trauma that the parents of those kids are feeling… and that scares me. There’s so much potential for hurt and pain – it is scary to love someone so much…

But having someone to love that much is also a blessing – and I know I have a lot to be thankful for. And even though I’m scared about things that I can’t control and I hate feeling helpless, God asks me to trust him with all of that.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 – Give thanks in all circumstances…

Romans 12:12 – Let your hope make you glad. Be patient in times of trouble and never stop praying.

Philippians 4:6-7 – Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God … will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. 

I hope if you’re feeling anxious or overwhelmed this week, that you will remember God’s promises for you – and I hope you have someone you can share your fears and hopes and dreams with. If you don’t, please feel free to leave me a comment or private message in the “Contact” section of my blog. I would love to hear from you.

Thanks for reading, friends.




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