Tag: anxiety

Being Present in Painful Moments

Erica2 Comments

So, how is everyone out there handling the COVID-19 stuff and social distancing? Or maybe you’re in quarantine, either by choice or due to necessary circumstances…

It’s been one week since life seemed like it got turned upside down – at least in my part of the world. I work at a university library, and one week ago we found out our university was extending Spring Break and moving to online classes for two weeks (which has now been extended through the end of Spring semester, and possibly beyond.) Every day new information would come out, and whatever we had heard the day before wasn’t accurate anymore – things kept on escalating.

Initially I was not worried about the coronavirus, or about how it would affect my life. But by about Monday or Tuesday of this week, I could tell my anxiety was starting to kick into high gear, as maybe it did for many others out there. As more and more news came out, I found myself not being able to think about anything else – I wanted to know more, but also wanted to not know at the same time.

I doubt that my reflections on this past week are novel or earth-shattering, but I’ll share them anyway:

My first thought was that it’s crazy how just two months ago life was so different – I was so busy traveling every weekend – for my birthday, for my mom’s birthday trip to DisneyWorld, for the My Hero Academia anime convention my husband and I went to in Dallas… My worries then were so different, and I took for granted that all my plans would just happen, like they always seemed to. Being forced (maybe “forced” is a bit strong, “obligated” works too) to stay home and not go out or be with friends reminded me that we just aren’t guaranteed much in life – we’re not in control of very much at all. This is difficult for anyone that has anxiety.

My second thought I wanted to share came about because I was rereading a journal entry I wrote back on January 22nd, and here’s what it said:

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“sometimes when you’re tired, you have big feelings”

Erica1 Comment

If you have not yet had the privilege of watching “Word Party” on Netflix, let me take a moment to explain the gist of the show:

There are 4 babies (that happen to be different baby animals) who hang out together, and you as the viewer are a “big kid” who helps them answer questions as they go about their day. It’s a very repetitive show and each episode they learn a few new words… thus the basis for the title: Word Party.

Isn’t it funny how sometimes you’re watching a little kid’s show, and they say something that is actually kind of profound?

This happened to me a while back. In episode 9, Lulu (the panda) decides not to take her nap, which then leads her to be not so nice to the other babies later in the day. They finally realize that her lack of sleep has made it harder for her to manage her emotions and feelings, which is when the statement: “sometimes when you’re tired, you have big feelings” was announced by the narrator.

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The Day I Won the “World’s Okayest Mom” Award

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I am about to tell you a story that I can hardly believe happened to me – one that I feel is worthy of putting myself up for the nomination to win the “World’s Okayest Mom” award. (In other words, I basically had a big parenting fail moment!) Initially I felt so terrible about it, but have since laughed and shared the story with friends and family, so I figured I might as well share it with the world!

I hope on those days when you feel like you’re not good enough, when you feel bad for making mistakes, you will think about this story and know that we’re all in this together! You are worthy – you are good enough – you are loved.

A few weeks ago, I was in the midst of the one of the most stressful weeks I’ve had in a while. It was the final week of my Fall semester at grad school, and I had two major projects due that were between 20%-30% of my final grade (no pressure!) I am a very good student, but due to some crazy circumstances this semester, I was genuinely worried I was not going to pass one of my classes. I knew these projects would require many hours of work to be acceptable to turn in, but it just so happened that this final week Dean was planning to go out of town for work two different times – which meant I was by myself with our two-year-old son. And after working all day and then finally getting my son to bed, I found it very difficult to stay awake to complete my homework. When I don’t get enough sleep, I start to get sick… so of course about halfway through the week I started feeling terrible. It was a classic snowball effect situation.

During this final week, one of my sweet coworkers asked me if I would like a Christmas ornament with Calvin’s name and birthday info on it – she was making ornaments for other friends who had recently had kids, and they were turning out so cute that she thought I might want one.

I replied that yes I would, and so my coworker told me that I just needed to send her the basic info: first name, middle name, date, time, weight, etc. I started typing out a text with all the information:

Calvin Alex
June 30, 2016
11:40pm
6 lb, 7.5 oz

My coworker responds via text that she hadn’t known what Calvin’s middle name was, to which I said, “It’s Dean’s middle name too.”

Another week went by, and I got my assignments turned in (I passed the class by the way) and my coworker brought me the ornament she had made. It was so cute, and I told her I loved it! I set it on my desk at work knowing I would take it home later that day. I took a picture of it and almost posted it to Instagram, but I didn’t want the surprise to be ruined for other friends she was giving ornaments to, so I waited.

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I went to lunch, our university was providing a free meal to all faculty and staff in the cafeteria, so I ate with some of the other library staff and then headed back up to my office. I sat down and logged into my computer, and I again noticed the ornament sitting on my desk.

At that point, something suddenly occurred to me: “Alex” is not Calvin’s middle name.

It is Dean’s middle name, and it was the middle name of Dean’s grandfather for whom Calvin is named after, “Calvin Alex Pye,” but I then remembered that we had decided on a different middle name for our son: Miles.

Can I just tell you that I have not felt that embarrassed in a long time? I literally forgot my son’s middle name for a week and a half – I literally told my coworker that my son had the same middle name as my husband, a fact that was completely false.

I texted my coworker at that point, and the text began: “you are going to think I am insane…”

Genuinely, I think I had been under so much stress, that I kind of had been a little out of my mind. I cannot believe that I didn’t realize my mistake sooner – but hey folks, that’s what stress does to you!

So, if you’re feeling like you’ve made a huge parenting fail – it’s okay – tell someone, they’ve probably done something similar or crazier! Find someone to laugh about it with you. Surround yourself with people who will love and support you and not shame you for your mistakes.

And give yourself some grace.

Also, if there really is a “World’s Okayest Mom” award – please consider nominating me.

Thanks for reading!