Author: Erica

It’s Scary to Love You

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I hit a breaking point today.

This was a rough week. Calvin got a fever Monday night, and has not been able to return to daycare the rest of this week. That means Mommy and Daddy needed to take off work to stay home with the little guy. His fever was gone Wednesday, so I thought we were in the clear, but it returned Thursday.

Thursday was also the day Dean woke up feeling awful and ended up being diagnosed with strep throat. So Mommy and Daddy both missed the entire day of work Thursday, and Mommy was busy trying to take care of both Calvin and Daddy the whole day.

Friday morning (today) I finally got Calvin in to see the doctor. Turns out he probably has something similar to what Dean has, so he’s on antibiotics. But the doctor also noticed a rash and wanted Calvin to get blood work done just to check on a few things. Every other time Calvin’s needed blood work, it’s always been a prick on the foot.

But not today – I should have suspected something when we were asked to go to the “lab” across the street. I went into said lab expecting for him to get a prick, and they pull out the needles, vials, and all the trimmings to do a full-out blood drawing from his arm. I am not good with having blood drawn, sometimes I start to get faint and black out. It didn’t help that I wasn’t mentally prepared for this, and it certainly didn’t help that I was worried about Calvin – he’s too little for me to explain what is about to happen to him.

They stick the needle in his arm – he’s on my lap and I’m holding his legs still while 2 nurses are holding his arms. He doesn’t cry, but they also can’t get any blood. I start to get dizzy and start seeing spots. I tell the nurses that I think I’m starting to black out – which was also unexpected for me – now I know that I have the potential to black out not only when I am giving blood, but when others are as well. (You learn something new every day!) Maybe it didn’t help that I was sitting in the chair…

The nurses have me lay down on the bed and they hold Calvin for me. They call in a third person and decide to try to get blood from his other arm. This time, he starts crying. I can see them moving the needle around in his arm, trying to find the vein. No such luck. I tell the nurses that maybe we should quit and try another day.

They give me the option to try a finger prick, although because the blood clots fast it might not work. We decide to try, although now looking back I think I should have said no… The prick happens, and Calvin is crying again. They try to squeeze as much blood out of him as they can, but turns out, it wasn’t enough. So we leave, having endured all that, for nothing.

I get in the car, and now Mommy (that’s me in case you haven’t figured out who “Mommy is”) is the one crying. I had been overwhelmed this week already and this was the final straw on the camel’s back. I also have been neglecting my daily affirmations and meditations, yes I know, shame on me…

By the time we get home, Calvin is fine. He wants to go out and play in the backyard. He’s laughing and smiling and finding twigs and leaves to play with. But Mommy is still having a hard time.

I know that this experience was harder for me than it was for Calvin – and I know being a parent means many more experiences like that. Everything hard and painful that Calvin experiences, or will experience, hurts me too. And it’s scary. I think about the high school shooting that happened this past week in Florida, and it scares me. How can I send my kid to school when things like this are happening all over the place? I feel traumatized from a bad doctor’s office experience – I can’t imagine the level of trauma that the parents of those kids are feeling… and that scares me. There’s so much potential for hurt and pain – it is scary to love someone so much…

But having someone to love that much is also a blessing – and I know I have a lot to be thankful for. And even though I’m scared about things that I can’t control and I hate feeling helpless, God asks me to trust him with all of that.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 – Give thanks in all circumstances…

Romans 12:12 – Let your hope make you glad. Be patient in times of trouble and never stop praying.

Philippians 4:6-7 – Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God … will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. 

I hope if you’re feeling anxious or overwhelmed this week, that you will remember God’s promises for you – and I hope you have someone you can share your fears and hopes and dreams with. If you don’t, please feel free to leave me a comment or private message in the “Contact” section of my blog. I would love to hear from you.

Thanks for reading, friends.

 

 

 

“New Patient” Forms

Erica4 Comments

Today was the first gynecology appointment I have had since I had my 6 week postpartum check-up after Calvin was born – so it’s been about a year and a half since I’ve been for one of these kinds of check-ups.

I have a new doctor – my old OB-GYN moved her practice out of Abilene, so I got to fill out all the “new patient” forms today. As I was filling out the forms, I had to answer questions about any past pregnancies, medical conditions, etc., as is typical on these types of forms. I kept waiting for the place where I would have to check that I had experienced postpartum depression. It ended up not being in the context of “postpartum depression,” but there was a spot to check for “anxiety” and “depression,” which I checked because of some obvious history there.

After getting in the exam room, the nurse came in to ask me the typical questions they ask you, even though you just filled out 10 pages of forms in the waiting room.

Nurse – “Did you have any complications during labor?”

Me – “No, labor went great.”(Here it comes, I was thinking – she’s going to ask me if I had any postpartum depression…)

Nurse – “Did you breastfeed your baby?”

Me – “Only for three weeks, and then we started bottle feeding.” (Because I went to the hospital for postpartum depression…)

The question actually never came up, which I was grateful for. I didn’t expect to be triggered as much as I was by a normal gynecology appointment, but I certainly was today. I felt on edge the whole time – and the feelings of guilt and shame have surfaced more today than they have in a while.

It’s weird how suddenly old feelings can come right back with no warning – if you’ve had any sort of traumatic experiences I’m sure you understand the feeling. I know I’m still in a healing process, mentally and emotionally. Please say a quick prayer for me if you get an extra minute today.

All that being said, my new doctor is great – and his RN is a wonderful woman who I got to have a great talk with about wanting a natural pregnancy and labor for any future children I might have someday. I feel confident that I’m with the right doctors to have a safe and pleasant experience if childbirth is in my future again. I’m thankful to God to feel this way – thankful to him for leading me to the right place and people.

And I’m so thankful for my son, Calvin, and my wonderful and supportive husband, Dean. I’ve said it before, but if I could choose to go back and change how my whole pregnancy/birth/postpartum experience went, I wouldn’t. It has taught me a lot, and continues to remind me to have compassion and grace for people. It reminds me that I’m not perfect, and that it’s okay.

Thanks for reading ❤

 

Update: Positive Affirmation and Meditation apps

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So, a few weeks ago I wrote about the power of positive thoughts and I mentioned that I had downloaded two different apps to practice meditation and positive affirmations. I have tried to use and listen to them daily this month and I want to share my thoughts and experience with these apps so you can decide if they might be of use to you.

*I am in no way getting compensated for my recommendations – just sharing my personal thoughts with you!Image result for headspace app

(Headspace) The first one I downloaded is called “Headspace.” It is really a great app to practice the art of mindfulness. If you aren’t familiar with the concept of mindfulness, there’s a great definition from psychologytoday.com:

Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you’re mindful, you carefully observe your thoughts and feelings without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to your current experience, rather than dwelling on the past or anticipating the future.

Great things about this app: the speaker in this app has a lovely voice and British accent – his voice is pleasant to listen to as he guides you through your meditation sessions. Each session does a great job of telling you how to meditate, so even if you’ve never tried meditation before, you will be able to feel like you know what you’re doing. Headspace also has great animation videos that explain different concepts and are fun to watch.

You can set the length of time that you want to meditate each session, ranging from 3 minutes to 20 minutes. I tried to do 10 minutes most sessions. There are even some super-short sessions called “minis” if you only want something for 1 minute.

Headspace also has packs of sessions with different themes to choose from (such as “Anxiety,” “Depression,” “Pregnancy,” “Happiness,” “Motivation”…) HOWEVER – you can only access a limited number on the free version, which is what I used this month. The “Basics” pack is 10 sessions and is totally free to use – besides that the app will let you try a few of the other sessions, but not really much else without paying. You can redo the “Basic” pack over and over, which is what I ended up doing – it still gets you in the habit of practicing mindfulness each day, which has many benefits.

The one-time subscription fee (for life) was WAY too much for me to justify paying – but there are options to subscribe monthly ($12.99) or yearly (averages to $7.91 per month). I also have gotten many emails from the app offering me 40% off a year’s subscription, which I am actually really interested in doing. The way I look at it, if you can justify paying more than that for Netflix each month, you can probably find that much to use an app that will benefit your mental and emotional health.

thinkup

(ThinkUp) The second app I downloaded I ended up loving so much! It’s called “ThinkUp” and you basically get to create your own playlist of positive affirmations and record them in your own voice. The free version, which I initially started out with, lets you choose about 5 different affirmations and you can listen to them on a loop with preset music in the background. I loved the idea of it, but I didn’t like that I could only choose 5 affirmations to listen to on a loop over and over. There were so many other affirmations I wanted to choose, so I decided to do a paid version.

There are two ways you can pay – you can pay month to month for a very small price, like $4 – or you can go ahead and pay a **one-time fee of $25 (**price has increased since the initial publication of this post!) to get access to everything and have an unlimited number of affirmations. For me to really use and get the most out of the app, I knew I needed to have at least 15-20 affirmations. And I while I could have tried out the app for a month or two before going all-in, I decided that in the long run it would save me money if I just jumped in and paid for a lifetime subscription. So, I went ahead and did that mid-way through January.

I love that you can look for different affirmations based on categories such as “motivation,” “new career,” (important for me!), “self-esteem,” and “stress relief.” So even if you don’t have anything motivational to say off the top of your head, you can browse the app’s affirmations and find plenty of good ones!

Some of my affirmations include things like:

  • I choose to fill my mind with positive, nurturing, and healing thoughts
  • I choose happiness no matter what the circumstances are
  • I give up being perfect for being authentic
  • I am a good mother

I have also created playlist of my favorite Scriptures that I can listen to – I think this will be really great to listen to first thing in the morning each day! Any verses you all recommend? Many of you may have already responded to my post on Facebook regarding this…

The one downside I have found to this app is that you cannot change the order of the affirmations. You can decide which affirmations go into a specific playlist, but for some reason the order inside that playlist is not flexible. When I added more affirmations, for some reason they went to the beginning of the playlist instead of adding them at the end, (which would be more logical in my opinion). Not a huge deal, but something I am marginally annoyed with.

Overall, this app is great if you’re willing to get the paid version. If you wanted to create your own affirmation tracks and set them to music you probably could, but I like how simple it is to use and that everything is in one place.

More Resources:

I recently came across a blog post talking all about positive affirmations and giving 50 different examples. Here’s the link: https://www.thirteenthoughts.com/50-positive-affirmations-for-more-abundance-happiness-and-success/

Calm is another app I have heard is good – I have not tried it but know a few friends who have recommended it.

If you’re more of a book person, this book was one I read (recommended by my counselor) when I first was looking into the concept of mindfulness.

Thanks for reading.