Trying To Conceive: An Endless Loop

TTC | TWW | DPO | BBT | BFN | BFP

If any of those acronyms look familiar to you, you may have recently been in the process of trying to conceive (TTC). Being on this journey myself, I will just say hang in there! It can be a difficult and emotionally wrought experience.

Back in summer of 2019, it felt like the right time to start trying for kid #2 (my son had just turned 3). We ended up only trying for three months before we decided to stop since there was a chance I would need foot surgery (I did end up having surgery the following February.)

Fast forward to summer of 2020 – I had mostly recovered from surgery and thought I would be in good enough physical health to begin trying to get pregnant again.

The first month: nothing
Second month: negative pregnancy test
Third month: nope
Fourth month: I really think I’m pregnant, but it turns out I’m not
Fifth month: I’m going to stop wasting money on tests, which was smart because my period came
Sixth month: I caved in and took a test – NEGATIVE

I’m now in my seventh consecutive month of trying to get pregnant, in the middle of the two-week wait (TWW). I’m at the point where I really don’t expect to be pregnant anymore, which is honestly better than when I convinced myself I was pregnant every single cycle. With my first child, it only took two months, and so I guess I assumed it would similarly happen that fast the second time around.

I’m a planner, and I suppose if I’m being totally transparent, I’m also a control freak. I like to be prepared for any outcome, I don’t like surprises.

Pregnancy achievement is something that seems like it should be so easy to do (and it is for some!) but in reality, I feel like there’s very little control that a woman has over it. Even with timing everything exactly right, the odds of getting pregnant are fairly low each cycle. In some ways that makes me feel better, because it means I’m not necessarily doing anything wrong or that there’s something physically wrong with me. But in other ways it really annoys me, because it means there’s little I can do to make it happen exactly when I want it to.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), seven months is not out of the normal range of time it could take to get pregnant. I’ve read that for women under 35 with no heath issues, “normal” can be up to a year of trying. That means I’ve got 5 more months to go before I can begin to wonder if something is “abnormal.” *sigh*

I’m not sure what I’m going to do if I get to month 12 and still am not pregnant. I think I’d be interested in knowing if there were any fertility issues going on, but I’m not sure what I would do about them, if anything. I try to remind myself that I don’t need to worry about that yet, it’s still a ways off. Maybe I’ll be lucky and won’t ever have to worry about it.

I think one of the hardest parts about the TTC journey, is that many times women and men are going through it alone. It’s not necessarily something you share with others, unless they are your close friends or family. And then of course, inevitably, you have people asking you things like “when are you going to have another kid?” or “why don’t you all have any children?” I’ve let those phrases go by the wayside, because I never want to make someone feel the sadness that those words can potentially cause.

Chances are good that you know people on this journey, and that some of them are really struggling with it. It’s another reminder that people are facing all kinds of personal battles every day that we know nothing about. Many people can simultaneously do it with a smile on their face; they’ve learned how to become excellent actors.

A few months ago I found myself really struggling with each failed pregnancy test, but now (thankfully) I feel pretty good most of the time. In my next post, I’d like to share some of the ways I’ve been successfully coping during my TTC journey. Maybe you have your own tips you’d like to share too!

Stay tuned for part II: 5 Ways I’m Coping While Waiting for Pregnancy

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