It’s Scary to Love You

I hit a breaking point today.

This was a rough week. Calvin got a fever Monday night, and has not been able to return to daycare the rest of this week. That means Mommy and Daddy needed to take off work to stay home with the little guy. His fever was gone Wednesday, so I thought we were in the clear, but it returned Thursday.

Thursday was also the day Dean woke up feeling awful and ended up being diagnosed with strep throat. So Mommy and Daddy both missed the entire day of work Thursday, and Mommy was busy trying to take care of both Calvin and Daddy the whole day.

Friday morning (today) I finally got Calvin in to see the doctor. Turns out he probably has something similar to what Dean has, so he’s on antibiotics. But the doctor also noticed a rash and wanted Calvin to get blood work done just to check on a few things. Every other time Calvin’s needed blood work, it’s always been a prick on the foot.

But not today – I should have suspected something when we were asked to go to the “lab” across the street. I went into said lab expecting for him to get a prick, and they pull out the needles, vials, and all the trimmings to do a full-out blood drawing from his arm. I am not good with having blood drawn, sometimes I start to get faint and black out. It didn’t help that I wasn’t mentally prepared for this, and it certainly didn’t help that I was worried about Calvin – he’s too little for me to explain what is about to happen to him.

They stick the needle in his arm – he’s on my lap and I’m holding his legs still while 2 nurses are holding his arms. He doesn’t cry, but they also can’t get any blood. I start to get dizzy and start seeing spots. I tell the nurses that I think I’m starting to black out – which was also unexpected for me – now I know that I have the potential to black out not only when I am giving blood, but when others are as well. (You learn something new every day!) Maybe it didn’t help that I was sitting in the chair…

The nurses have me lay down on the bed and they hold Calvin for me. They call in a third person and decide to try to get blood from his other arm. This time, he starts crying. I can see them moving the needle around in his arm, trying to find the vein. No such luck. I tell the nurses that maybe we should quit and try another day.

They give me the option to try a finger prick, although because the blood clots fast it might not work. We decide to try, although now looking back I think I should have said no… The prick happens, and Calvin is crying again. They try to squeeze as much blood out of him as they can, but turns out, it wasn’t enough. So we leave, having endured all that, for nothing.

I get in the car, and now Mommy (that’s me in case you haven’t figured out who “Mommy is”) is the one crying. I had been overwhelmed this week already and this was the final straw on the camel’s back. I also have been neglecting my daily affirmations and meditations, yes I know, shame on me…

By the time we get home, Calvin is fine. He wants to go out and play in the backyard. He’s laughing and smiling and finding twigs and leaves to play with. But Mommy is still having a hard time.

I know that this experience was harder for me than it was for Calvin – and I know being a parent means many more experiences like that. Everything hard and painful that Calvin experiences, or will experience, hurts me too. And it’s scary. I think about the high school shooting that happened this past week in Florida, and it scares me. How can I send my kid to school when things like this are happening all over the place? I feel traumatized from a bad doctor’s office experience – I can’t imagine the level of trauma that the parents of those kids are feeling… and that scares me. There’s so much potential for hurt and pain – it is scary to love someone so much…

But having someone to love that much is also a blessing – and I know I have a lot to be thankful for. And even though I’m scared about things that I can’t control and I hate feeling helpless, God asks me to trust him with all of that.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 – Give thanks in all circumstances…

Romans 12:12 – Let your hope make you glad. Be patient in times of trouble and never stop praying.

Philippians 4:6-7 – Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God … will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. 

I hope if you’re feeling anxious or overwhelmed this week, that you will remember God’s promises for you – and I hope you have someone you can share your fears and hopes and dreams with. If you don’t, please feel free to leave me a comment or private message in the “Contact” section of my blog. I would love to hear from you.

Thanks for reading, friends.




“New Patient” Forms

Today was the first gynecology appointment I have had since I had my 6 week postpartum check-up after Calvin was born – so it’s been about a year and a half since I’ve been for one of these kinds of check-ups.

I have a new doctor – my old OB-GYN moved her practice out of Abilene, so I got to fill out all the “new patient” forms today. As I was filling out the forms, I had to answer questions about any past pregnancies, medical conditions, etc., as is typical on these types of forms. I kept waiting for the place where I would have to check that I had experienced postpartum depression. It ended up not being in the context of “postpartum depression,” but there was a spot to check for “anxiety” and “depression,” which I checked because of some obvious history there.

After getting in the exam room, the nurse came in to ask me the typical questions they ask you, even though you just filled out 10 pages of forms in the waiting room.

Nurse – “Did you have any complications during labor?”

Me – “No, labor went great.”(Here it comes, I was thinking – she’s going to ask me if I had any postpartum depression…)

Nurse – “Did you breastfeed your baby?”

Me – “Only for three weeks, and then we started bottle feeding.” (Because I went to the hospital for postpartum depression…)

The question actually never came up, which I was grateful for. I didn’t expect to be triggered as much as I was by a normal gynecology appointment, but I certainly was today. I felt on edge the whole time – and the feelings of guilt and shame have surfaced more today than they have in a while.

It’s weird how suddenly old feelings can come right back with no warning – if you’ve had any sort of traumatic experiences I’m sure you understand the feeling. I know I’m still in a healing process, mentally and emotionally. Please say a quick prayer for me if you get an extra minute today.

All that being said, my new doctor is great – and his RN is a wonderful woman who I got to have a great talk with about wanting a natural pregnancy and labor for any future children I might have someday. I feel confident that I’m with the right doctors to have a safe and pleasant experience if childbirth is in my future again. I’m thankful to God to feel this way – thankful to him for leading me to the right place and people.

And I’m so thankful for my son, Calvin, and my wonderful and supportive husband, Dean. I’ve said it before, but if I could choose to go back and change how my whole pregnancy/birth/postpartum experience went, I wouldn’t. It has taught me a lot, and continues to remind me to have compassion and grace for people. It reminds me that I’m not perfect, and that it’s okay.

Thanks for reading ❤