Tag: postpartum psychosis

A New Blog, A New Year – Continuing My Mental Health Journey

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One year ago today, on July 26, 2016, I was being admitted to the hospital for postpartum depression, and later what I personally consider to be postpartum psychosis. For me, this date will always hold a significant place and be a reminder of some really trying and hard times.

On the anniversary of this occasion, I thought it would be appropriate to start my new blog “Threads of Anxiety” – dedicated to be a place where I continue to write and share my mental health journey. I thought of the blog name because I feel like looking back, I can see this underlying presence of anxiety in my life, and at certain times it is very noticeable and other times it’s lying dormant under the surface. But it’s existence is there, like this thread being sewn into my life.

I started writing about my experience with postpartum depression and my stay in the hospital on another blog, but I never really finished the whole story. I had high hopes that today I would have been able to have written the rest out, but alas, it did not happen! However, I am making a commitment to keep writing my story and putting it out there – so hopefully in the next few weeks I will be able to do that.

If you didn’t previously get a chance to read my story, I have posted the first part from my other blog in three separate posts, in a series I’ve called, “My Psychotic Break.” I plan on adding to this story, although a year later my memory is bit fuzzier. It has been something that has been hard to write, yet also good and cathartic. Forgive me for taking so long, I have needed to be in the right frame of mind and it is challenging to think back to this time in my life.

Mental health issues affect so many people – it’s not something to be ashamed of or hide. I have recently noticed more people sharing their struggles with it, although maybe it’s because I am just more aware of it. Sharing my story has been so encouraging to me because it’s allowed me to connect with others who are dealing with similar issues, and it’s given me support from so many different people.

Thank you for reading and for your comments and love.

My Psychotic Break: Dealing with Postpartum Depression (Part 1)

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It has been a little over 3 months since I had a severe bout of postpartum depression. I am so happy to say that now I feel completely normal and back to my old self. It was a scary time, particularly the week where I had what I consider to be a psychotic episode. I hope that by sharing my story, people can be encouraged and feel open to talking about their struggles, whatever they may be. This experience has taught me a lot – and while I hope none of you readers ever have to go through something like this, I do realize that I am a stronger and more compassionate person than I was before.

Writing this was really therapeutic for me, and I know it’s very detailed (aka. long) but if you are interested I hope you will read it and let me know what you think. Thanks!

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After Calvin was born, he was REALLY fussy. And it caused me to be worried. My mom was here for a little over 2 weeks to help with him. And after my dad came out, they both flew home on a plane on Sunday, July 17th. The next day, Dean had to go back to work just for one week. (He was intermittently taking paternity leave.) So I went from having 3 people to help me with Calvin, to just me and Calvin for a few days. Dean’s mom was coming into town late Tuesday night to stay for a week and a half.

On Wednesday, I started kind of feeling nauseous. I could still eat, but things were not sitting well with me. Thursday morning, I remember I tried to eat bacon and eggs while waiting for the Terminix guy to come, and it was hard. I had to force myself to eat – I was breastfeeding at the time and knew I needed to eat and be hydrated for Calvin to be able to get nourishment. There was so much pressure and I had so much anxiety.

I had my friend, Erin, come over to hang out and help me with Calvin since she is a seasoned mom. It helped me feel better and she got Calvin to go right to sleep after eating without fussing. That was a first! I felt so much better that I could eat that night.

But the next day I felt the anxiety weighing on me again, and I couldn’t eat. I went in waves like this for days. All the while getting more and more worried about Calvin not being able to get what he needed from me. I called the nurse at my OB/GYN office – they told me it was normal. Everyone I talked to said I was normal. I went to the urgent care clinic on Sunday – they did blood work and urine samples. Everything came back normal. The next day I called Calvin’s pediatrician because I was so freaked out and knew something was really wrong with me. The doctor told me I could come in that day and take the postpartum depression screener. In the office, he looked over it and decided to start me on 25mg of Zoloft. I felt really good that night, felt like the nightmare was over.

But that night when I woke up to breastfeed, I just didn’t want to. I felt like there was no way this situation could be real. I wasn’t eating, yet I was still alive. Calvin was feeding, but I knew there was no way he could be getting enough to eat. So I started questioning reality. Where was I? Was I stuck in hell, where I would have a fussy baby permanently and not be able to eat? Everyone kept telling me I was fine and this was normal but I knew it wasn’t! I knew I wasn’t fine. I had to prove to myself that this was a dream, or hell, or whatever it was. Since I thought it wasn’t real, I decided I didn’t care if I breastfed Calvin or not. I didn’t really want to breastfeed. It was a source of stress and since I thought I was in some sort of dreamland, I told Dean and his mom they could just give him formula. (Now this is WAY out of character for me! I was going to exclusively breastfeed for at least 6 months, and then supplement maybe for a year. I had had a totally natural birth because I wanted everything to be as non-invasive and natural as possible! I bought only organic groceries because I wanted to avoid GMOs and pesticides…) I told Dean that none of this was real and that it didn’t matter if Calvin had formula or not, because it wasn’t real. This really upset Dean, and he started tearing up and showing a lot of emotion. I have to pause here again to say that I have NEVER seen Dean cry in our time knowing each other. So, when this happened, in my mind it proved to me that this was not reality, because I knew if this had been real, Dean would not have been crying. So I told him that. “See, this isn’t real because you wouldn’t be crying if it was.” I know this hurt Dean a lot. I remember it happening and he got so upset that even though I was convinced it was a dream or fake or whatever, it was too much for me to bear. I couldn’t bear to see this version of Dean in pain because of me, so I backed off and told him I was sorry, and after we fed Calvin the formula we went to sleep. I still didn’t think anything was real, but I loved Dean so much that I didn’t want to see him in pain in any form.

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