Tag: Kate Bowler

butterflies and sparkles

Struggling with Faith: How Infertility Permanently Affected What I Believe (pt. 5)

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Grief is a cocoon from which we emerge new.


Untamed (p. 271)

So what now? Where do I go from here?

I could stay mad at God, I could give up on faith because it doesn’t make sense and life is generally unfair…

But I just can’t. There is some small part of me that refuses to give up on faith. I experienced the same thing when I went through postpartum depression. It felt like my world was turned upside down, and nothing made sense, but there was the tiniest ember of faith inside me that just refused to be extinguished. And all I can do is try to fan that flame into life again.

So here are the things I’m focusing on right now:

  1. Trying not to be bitter – pregnant people are everywhere. Babies are everywhere. It’s so easy to assume that everyone else “has it all” and is living your dream life. But they aren’t. Despite what you’re seeing on social media, no one’s life is perfect – no one “has it all.” But at the moments when it seems like everyone else is luckier than me, I don’t want to be bitter or envious. I want to be happy for others, genuinely happy. I’ve had to do a lot of pretending the past three years – a lot of gritting my teeth and saying “Congratulations!” I’m practicing holding space for my own pain AND space for joyfulness for others at the same time.

  2. Being grateful – part of trying to not be bitter is working on gratitude. One of the good things that has come out of dealing with secondary infertility is being able to appreciate the kid I do have. He feels more like a miracle to me now. We don’t know why we were able to get pregnant so quickly with our son, and our doctor said that maybe it had been a “one-in-a-million lucky shot.” Besides my son, there are a lot of other really good things happening in my life right now. I have the greatest friends – I have people who consider me a best friend, and that was something I had been desiring for a long time. Adult friendships are difficult, and I feel so thankful to have met the right people at the right time.

  3. Accepting uncertainty – there is no avoiding this one, unfortunately. I’ve had to work hard to just accept uncertainty. I’ve realized that faith isn’t really faith if there is no element of doubt or uncertainty in it. Glennon Doyle in her book Untamed says, “control leaves no room for trust – and maybe love without trust is not love at all” (p. 316).
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book covers collage

Erica’s Favorite Reads – 2022

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According to Goodreads, I read 22 books in 2022 (that’s a nice convenient number isn’t it?)

I love keeping track of what I’m reading on Goodreads – you get all these stats at the end of the year, like how many pages you read, what was the shortest and longest book you read…

Out of the 22 books I read, only two of them were fiction. Obviously I’m still going strong in my nonfiction (mostly self-help or faith development) kick!

Where the Crawdads Sing
Fiction, Historical Fiction, Mystery

I had been wanting to read this book for a long time, but literally for years every time I tried to get it at the library, all the copies were checked out. I finally broke down and put a hold on it so I could actually read it. Despite it being the longest book I read this year (coming in at 384 pages) it probably took me the least amount of time to read. I would stay up late at night reading it because I was so drawn into the story.

I have not seen the movie, but I heard it was kind of meh – I would definitely recommend reading this one because the “books are always better” cliché most likely rings true for this one!

The Gifts of Imperfection
Nonfiction, Psychology, Personal Development

This is only the second Brené Brown book I’ve read, but I’m a huge fan of hers! I loved Dare to Lead and this book had a lot of the same themes. She is a big advocate of vulnerability and authenticity – and of course, bravery. It takes courage to be vulnerable and authentic. I love Brown’s definition of authenticity which I’ll include a snippet of here:

“The courage to let go of who we think we’re supposed to be so that we can fully embrace our authentic selves – the imperfect, the creative, the vulnerable, the powerful, the broken, and the beautiful“

Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I’ve Loved
Nonfiction, Memoir, Faith

I got to see Kate Bowler speak in person at my university’s annual fundraising “Friends of the Library” event earlier last year. She was funny and engaging, just like she is as an author. She challenges the idea that living a good or godly life means good things are guaranteed to happen to you (prosperity gospel). Why do some people’s prayers not get answered? Why do bad things happen to good people? Does everything really happen for a reason, or do some things just suck? If you’ve ever found yourself questioning these things, this will be a refreshing read for you.

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