Tag: gratitude

butterflies and sparkles

Struggling with Faith: How Infertility Permanently Affected What I Believe (pt. 5)

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Grief is a cocoon from which we emerge new.


Untamed (p. 271)

So what now? Where do I go from here?

I could stay mad at God, I could give up on faith because it doesn’t make sense and life is generally unfair…

But I just can’t. There is some small part of me that refuses to give up on faith. I experienced the same thing when I went through postpartum depression. It felt like my world was turned upside down, and nothing made sense, but there was the tiniest ember of faith inside me that just refused to be extinguished. And all I can do is try to fan that flame into life again.

So here are the things I’m focusing on right now:

  1. Trying not to be bitter – pregnant people are everywhere. Babies are everywhere. It’s so easy to assume that everyone else “has it all” and is living your dream life. But they aren’t. Despite what you’re seeing on social media, no one’s life is perfect – no one “has it all.” But at the moments when it seems like everyone else is luckier than me, I don’t want to be bitter or envious. I want to be happy for others, genuinely happy. I’ve had to do a lot of pretending the past three years – a lot of gritting my teeth and saying “Congratulations!” I’m practicing holding space for my own pain AND space for joyfulness for others at the same time.

  2. Being grateful – part of trying to not be bitter is working on gratitude. One of the good things that has come out of dealing with secondary infertility is being able to appreciate the kid I do have. He feels more like a miracle to me now. We don’t know why we were able to get pregnant so quickly with our son, and our doctor said that maybe it had been a “one-in-a-million lucky shot.” Besides my son, there are a lot of other really good things happening in my life right now. I have the greatest friends – I have people who consider me a best friend, and that was something I had been desiring for a long time. Adult friendships are difficult, and I feel so thankful to have met the right people at the right time.

  3. Accepting uncertainty – there is no avoiding this one, unfortunately. I’ve had to work hard to just accept uncertainty. I’ve realized that faith isn’t really faith if there is no element of doubt or uncertainty in it. Glennon Doyle in her book Untamed says, “control leaves no room for trust – and maybe love without trust is not love at all” (p. 316).
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Image of foot with bones

2 Years After Foot Surgery – Slow But Steady Progress!

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Two years ago was Feb 4, 2020. The “before-COVID” times. It was also the day I had foot surgery, specifically an osteotomy, to address my inflamed posterior tibial tendon (aka. my flat arches were causing issues). I had to have three large incisions on my left foot, and one on my calf to “lengthen my calf muscle.”

Afterwards I had to be non-weight bearing on my left foot for four weeks, and I was riding around on a knee scooter like a pro! Then I used crutches for four weeks, and after that did three months of physical therapy. You can read more about the details here, and even see gross post-surgery foot pictures if you want to!

The healing process felt never-ending. Even after I was discharged from physical therapy, I wasn’t back to normal. I still had a bit of a limp sometimes. When I first got up in the morning, my left foot was stiff and I would hobble around for a while until it loosened up. I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to go running again, and honestly I was kind of afraid to, since that was the catalyst for my injury.

Even one year later, I was still keenly aware of some of my limitations that I hadn’t had before my foot injury – like experiencing some residual foot pain and always needing to wear supportive/orthotic shoes.

I think it’s valuable to take a moment today to look back and remember where I was two years ago, so that I can fully appreciate just how far I’ve come in terms of recovery. In my post from May of 2020 (four months after the surgery) I had written:

My foot is not perfect, I’m still waiting for that glorious day when I can do a heel raise while standing only on my left foot, but I’m not there yet. I’m longing for when I can go on a walk around the block without limping or feeling sore, and I’m dreaming about a day when I might be able to go for a jog again.

May 2020

Later that year in October, five months after writing those words, I went for my first post-surgery jog. It had been 17 months since I had been able to run. I couldn’t run as far or as fast, and my foot was really sore after, but I did it.

How often do we get to receive the things our hearts are so desperately longing for? Honestly, it may be more often than we think. If you do any sort of journaling – whether it’s personal writing, blogging, or even photo journaling – it makes it easy to see where you were and how far you’ve come.

Many times we get the exact things we’re hoping for, and we’re happy for a little while, but then we move on to hoping for the next thing, and then the thing after that. It’s easy to feel like we haven’t “made it” yet because there’s always something we are looking to accomplish next.

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thank you card

Excessive Peace

Erica1 Comment

In the book of Philippians, it mentions a “peace that surpasses all understanding…” It’s in the context of praying to God as an alternative to worrying about things. This is in the even larger context of being thankful and full of joy in the Lord.

I am often a worrier. In a less negative connotation, I like to plan ahead and be prepared. This is to avoid unnecessary surprises, which can cause me anxiety. I am great at thinking ahead and preparing for the worst.

But all the worrying and planning in the world doesn’t always change things – it simply gives us this false sense that we are in control when we’re not.

In a recent post, I described how my husband and I have been trying unsuccessfully to have a second child for about a year and a half. At the time of writing it, I felt very hopeless, sad, and even somewhat angry. Achieving pregnancy consumed my thoughts a lot of the time.

Since writing it, we got back some test results that were not ideal. Basically what they revealed was that any quick or “easy” fixes (like surgery to correct a problem, for example) were off the table. Our doctor offered us one last option before referring us to try IVF/IUI – but to me, it felt like a last-ditch effort.

After that appointment, I felt like the answer from God as to whether I would ever get pregnant again was a resounding, “no.” And yes, I know logically that there is still a chance, and we’re still trying this last option, but my mind literally began to process it as if it would never happen. I felt myself for the next few days beginning to go through the process of grieving. It was surprising because my husband and I haven’t totally given up yet, but it’s like my mind and body decided it was time to move on. Maybe this was my body’s way of trying to protect myself.

I didn’t fight what my body wanted to do, I just tried to be mindful of my feelings. For a week or two, it was emotional as I processed the fact that I probably wouldn’t have any more children. But what was even more surprising, was the day when it suddenly didn’t feel that hard anymore.

I found myself feeling more and more content with my life. I started paying more attention to Calvin and found myself becoming more appreciative of everything he has added to our lives. I just began to feel really blessed to be a family of 3 – period, full stop.

It felt like the grief was just gone, as was the painful obsession of longing to be pregnant again. (That’s not to say we wouldn’t be thrilled if I did get pregnant, but that intense pain seemed to be gone.)

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