Tag: change

comfort zone circle

Struggling with Faith: How Infertility Permanently Affected What I Believe (pt. 3)

EricaLeave a comment

If you are following along and you have read part II, I mentioned that I had decided that I didn’t want to give up on my faith. But I was still so angry and hurt, and I didn’t really know how to move forward. Unfortunately, there was no fast forward button to emotional and spiritual healing. It was going to take time.

I did a lot of personal journaling during this time. Journaling is a great way to process through your feelings, and for myself, I’ve found that it is a great way to start to heal from emotional wounds. (*The cool thing is there is actually brain science to support this!)

Here’s an excerpt from my journal dated January 10, 2023:
“I feel so numb. I can’t worship, at least not well. I go through phases. Every time I read about God’s love and faithfulness, it triggers me, and I feel dead inside. I think “not me” when I read those. I guess He’s those things to everyone else.”

I told my therapist I was just so tired of feeling bad. “Of course you are!” she told me. However, she told me that my job right now was just to “feel my feelings.” I hated that advice. Where was the quick fix? The pill that would instantly make me feel better?

As “fun” as feeling my feelings was, I needed a few more tangible things to do with my time. I knew there would not be a quick fix to heal from this, but I needed to feel like I was actively working towards it. In addition to journaling, I started running. (Side note: anger is GREAT fuel for running!)

I also decided to cut back on a few of my obligations (I often volunteer at my church and in the community) – I chose the one thing that was causing me the most stress, and I told my team I needed a mental health break. I was honest with them about infertility and the toll it had taken on me, and they were all very supportive of me stepping back.

Psalm 86:5-7

When I could stomach reading the Bible, I decided to read Psalm 86. For a long time, every time I read it, it made me so angry. It spoke of a God who hears my prayers and who answers me in my time of distress. Needless to say, that was not what I was experiencing… But I wanted so badly to believe it. So I read this Psalm each day, and tried to let this truth soak into me.

Read More »
DREAM - HOPE - BELIEVE - DARE - RISK - TRY

A Quick Turnaround

EricaLeave a comment

6 weeks ago when I wrote my last post, I was really immersed in disappointment and had no hope that things were going to get better anytime soon.

I’m happy to report that so much has happened since then – and I’m in a much better place.

When I’m in a dark place, sometimes I have a tendency to want to “fix” things, or try taking drastic measures to make things better. One of those drastic things I had thought about doing six weeks ago was quitting my job. I loved the place and the people I worked with, but I didn’t exactly love what my specific role was. I constantly felt like I was failing, and despite being at my job for over four years, I still felt like I didn’t know what I was doing. I was majorly burned out.

I ended up having a meeting with my boss. He knew I was going through some hard stuff. I told him I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing, and that I was honestly thinking of quitting. He asked me what would need to change in order for me to want to stay. I proposed moving to a different department where I felt like I would be better supported and could be successful. I also proposed working less than 40 hours a week – maybe 32, or even 20, hours.

And because my boss is awesome, he was like, “done!”

So, two weeks ago, I officially began working in my new department – with a team of people who are excited to have me and who are teaching me how to do the work that needs to be done. They are patient with me when I ask a million questions, and the work has been good and steady, and surprisingly more meaningful than I thought it would be. I’m also only working four days a week – I now have Fridays off.

The past two weeks I’ve felt like a completely different person from the one who wrote that last post. I am SO much less stressed. The hours pass quickly at work, I love learning how to do new things, and the tasks are challenging me in a good way. I’m feeling successful. I feel like my work matters, and I’m helping more people than I ever was before. I have more energy for my family, and for myself. I started going back to the gym this week. I decided I would start taking a yoga class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I started making green juices for breakfast in the mornings. I’ve been going on more walks with my dog.

Read More »
birthday cake with candles

5 Years of Surprises: Looking Back On My Thirties So Far

Erica1 Comment

Well it’s here. My 35th birthday. *throws handful of confetti in the air*

I’m midway through my 30s and with each surpassing day, I’ll tip the balances to being slightly closer to 40 years old than 30.

Someone recently told me that I don’t seem like I am old enough to be 35. I made a joke that it was because I was so young at heart, but they were like, “yes, that’s exactly it!”

Anna and Elsa cardboard cutout

5 years ago, when I turned 30, I had a crazy-big Frozen-themed surprise birthday party. (It was awesome.) My parents even flew into town without telling me and showed up at the party.

My son Calvin was 6 months old at the time. I had quit my job of being a 6th grade reading teacher to stay home with him for one year. I knew I wouldn’t stay home forever, and had pretty much always intended to go back to work after taking a year off.

I figured I would get another teaching job, and life would continue on mostly the same as before (though now with the added challenge and privilege of being a mother.)

How wrong I was. So many unexpected and wonderful things have happened over the last 5 years that I could never have predicted. That surprise party was a foreshadowing of things to come.

For starters, I never got back into teaching. In fact, this very month, my teaching license actually expires (and I’m not renewing it!)

On a whim in 2017, I applied for a few library jobs because I thought that they sounded fun. I had always loved libraries and books and reading growing up, and I sometimes wondered if libraries would be a better fit for me than teaching. I also hated taking home so much work (aka. grading papers!) when I taught elementary and junior high kids. Teaching is not an easy profession!

I didn’t expect to get hired as a Research Librarian that year. I wasn’t qualified for the job and had zero experience working in libraries. I almost accepted another 6th grade teaching position instead, but that door got slammed in my face (and I’m so glad it did)!

I didn’t expect that I would go back to graduate school and get a Masters in Library Science.

graduation cap and gown (2019)

The surprises continued, not only in my professional life, but also my personal life:

Read More »