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Struggling with Faith: How Infertility Permanently Affected What I Believe (pt. 2)

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[ If you missed part 1, you can go back and read it here! ]

It’s not like I had never questioned parts of my faith before – my faith had evolved slowly over the years, and certain events in my life had definitely made an impact on what I believed. But I had never gotten to the point where faith felt so pointless… and it scared me because I wondered, “is this the moment where I’m going to give up on God?”

I grew up being so afraid of any shred of doubt (because doubt meant that you were a “bad” Christian, and also that maybe you were probably going to hell.) I’m embarrassed to say I was well into my adult years before I realized that “faith” and “doubt” were not opposites. I can’t remember where I heard it, but recently someone told me “faith without any doubt is just knowledge.”

I wish doubt had been talked about more when I was younger. I wish doubt hadn’t been so vilified, but that it had been normalized as an essential part of everyone’s spiritual journey. But growing up, it seemed like everyone at church never questioned anything. “The Bible says it, so I believe it.” Honestly, never questioning what you believe is super unhealthy.

So, to continue my story, it was January of 2023 – we had just given up all hopes of getting pregnant, and I was still reeling from feeling like God had deceived me.

And I was super angry. Also probably depressed, but mostly I just felt livid at God… and kind of at everyone and everything in general.

Why had God ignored my prayers, but seemed to answer everyone else’s? Was my faith too weak? Was I not worthy? Was there some reason why God didn’t want me to have another child? I felt like I was owed an explanation.

Many people I talked to offered pieces of advice (some good, some bad). There were people who told me that God would answer my prayer “in His perfect timing.” One person told me if God had “put the desire for another child in my heart,” then He would surely grant it to me eventually.

I wanted so desperately to believe that “everything happens for a reason,” but honestly I just felt like I couldn’t anymore. For my friends who had suffered miscarriages or stillborn babies, had that happened “for a reason?” Did all the pain and injustice in the world really happen “for a reason?”

Sometimes, I think shit just happens.

And I think that God is just as sad about it as we are. I think God sits with us in our suffering and grief, and deeply cares for each one of us.

But at the time, it just felt like God had forgotten about me.

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How I Simplified My Parenting

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I am a big fan of minimalism. The fascination started out for me mainly in the area of physical possessions. I very much like the look of less stuff. There’s hardly a better feeling to me than decluttering a room and getting rid of unnecessary things. It’s freeing. It makes me feel calmer, less anxious. Marie Kondo is my hero.

But the idea of minimalism and simplicity is about more than physical objects. Every aspect of our lives can be simplified.

To me, simplifying means cutting out the unnecessary and making time for what really matters. So in the case of physical stuff, as Marie would say, only keep things that “bring you joy!” This means you have to actually take time to figure out what exactly brings you joy, and what things are possibly worth giving up. As Ron Weasley would say: you need to sort out your priorities.

I recently decided that my parenting needed an overhaul – a simplification, if you will. I knew there were important things that I wanted to do as a mom, but it seemed like there was never time to do them. It felt more like I was trying to get through each day, rather than enjoying the precious moments with my child that I would never get back.

I’m a full-time working mom, so on the weekdays it really doesn’t leave a lot of real quality time for me to have with my son, Calvin. He’s 4 years old (4 and a HALF, I’m sure he would want me to say.) In the mornings, it’s a race to get all of us ready and loaded up in the car to get to daycare and work on time. In the evenings, it feels like a race to get dinner fixed for everyone, do the dishes (if they get done at all), and maybe have a bit of time to be together before it’s time to start getting Calvin ready for bed.

BEFORE simplifying our parenting…

We let Calvin watch t.v. in the evenings after getting home from daycare. We had previously agreed upon a set amount of t.v. he was allowed to watch (3 episodes), after he cleaned up his room. Well, by the time he cleaned his room and watched all his episodes, lo and behold, it was pretty much time to start the bedtime routine. We had even (I’m embarrassed to say) been letting him eat dinner in front of the t.v. most nights because otherwise there was not enough time for him to get all three episodes in. I felt frustrated – I knew that it was important for us to be eating at the table together as a family, but there just didn’t seem to be enough time.

Plus, there always seemed to be unfinished tasks that needed to be done: the dishes, folding laundry – and letting Calvin watch t.v. was useful in that it allowed my husband and I time to finally get some of those things completed. (At least that’s what we told ourselves.)

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