comfort zone circle

Struggling with Faith: How Infertility Permanently Affected What I Believe (pt. 3)

If you are following along and you have read part II, I mentioned that I had decided that I didn’t want to give up on my faith. But I was still so angry and hurt, and I didn’t really know how to move forward. Unfortunately, there was no fast forward button to emotional and spiritual healing. It was going to take time.

I did a lot of personal journaling during this time. Journaling is a great way to process through your feelings, and for myself, I’ve found that it is a great way to start to heal from emotional wounds. (*The cool thing is there is actually brain science to support this!)

Here’s an excerpt from my journal dated January 10, 2023:
“I feel so numb. I can’t worship, at least not well. I go through phases. Every time I read about God’s love and faithfulness, it triggers me, and I feel dead inside. I think “not me” when I read those. I guess He’s those things to everyone else.”

I told my therapist I was just so tired of feeling bad. “Of course you are!” she told me. However, she told me that my job right now was just to “feel my feelings.” I hated that advice. Where was the quick fix? The pill that would instantly make me feel better?

As “fun” as feeling my feelings was, I needed a few more tangible things to do with my time. I knew there would not be a quick fix to heal from this, but I needed to feel like I was actively working towards it. In addition to journaling, I started running. (Side note: anger is GREAT fuel for running!)

I also decided to cut back on a few of my obligations (I often volunteer at my church and in the community) – I chose the one thing that was causing me the most stress, and I told my team I needed a mental health break. I was honest with them about infertility and the toll it had taken on me, and they were all very supportive of me stepping back.

Psalm 86:5-7

When I could stomach reading the Bible, I decided to read Psalm 86. For a long time, every time I read it, it made me so angry. It spoke of a God who hears my prayers and who answers me in my time of distress. Needless to say, that was not what I was experiencing… But I wanted so badly to believe it. So I read this Psalm each day, and tried to let this truth soak into me.

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Disneyland half marathon 2024 medals

I Can Do Hard Things: Running My First (Disneyland) Half Marathon!

My husband and I just completed our very first half marathon at the Happiest Place on Earth: Disneyland!

The race started at 5am – we woke up at 3am to get ready and it was about a 30 minute walk to the starting gates. We we in the last corral (the “party” group – aka. “business in front, party in the back”), so we didn’t actually start running until about 5:45am.

There were SO many people crowded into a small space – we started off at a slow pace, about 13-minute miles, but that was okay (the pacer car picked up people who were slower than 16-minute miles). There were a few times we bottle-necked on the race – at mile 3 where there was a narrow curve and they had conveniently also put a water station in the same spot, and around mile 4 as we tried to run across the Sleeping Beauty Castle bridge and pretty much came to a complete stop.

We did not wait in any lines to take pictures with characters on the route, because we were afraid we would lose too much time and get swept by the pacer car! Maybe next time if we’re more confident…

Miles 2-5 we were in the Disney parks, staring in California Adventure and then going to Disneyland – and the last 8 miles of the route were along the roads and highways of Anaheim (not super exciting, but that’s okay!)

The route was a bit treacherous – we were warned by multiple people and also on the Run Disneyland Facebook group to watch out for slippery spots and potholes on the trail. I think since we had a slow pace, we were not in as much danger of falling as the faster runners – we passed a spot where someone had wiped out and there was (what appeared to be) blood – more than what a simple scraped knee would have merited(!)

Miles 10-13 were the hardest for me. My pace slowed down, and my legs felt so heavy. My knees were killing me too. The farthest distance I had ever run previously was 12 miles, so I knew I could do it, but I was so ready to be done!

We had some spectators cheering us on, and some of the signs were pretty funny. Here were a few of my favorites:

“I’m sure this seemed like a good idea 11 months ago”

“Worst Disney parade ever”

“Run like your copyright is expiring”

At the finish line, they had announcers, and Mickey and Minnie were there cheering us on! The announcer literally said, “You weren’t the fastest, but you finished!” (I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or be slightly offended – we decided to laugh!)

“The proof you can do hard things is one of the most powerful gifts you can give yourself.”

Nat Eliason

I am still a little bit in shock that I actually ran 13.1 miles. This is something I never thought I was going to be able to do – the task seemed so insurmountable. Especially because four years ago I had foot pain and swelling (a complication from running) which ended up with me needing foot surgery and with one of my doctors telling me that my feet were “not designed for running” and maybe I’d like to take up swimming instead?

It took me a year and a half of healing and recovery (cue the knee scooters, crutches, and physical therapy) before I could really start running again after that surgery.

So what possessed me to want to run a half marathon? What made me think I could even do it?

A year ago in January of 2023, I was going through a really dark time. I had a lot of anger and depression, and I guess grief too. I decided that running would be a good way to channel all those negative feelings into something positive. I fully expected to run out of steam, but I never did.

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pie graph describing emotions behind anger (like shame)

The Antidote to Shame – Share Your Story (thanks Brené!)

I recently watched John Mulaney’s newest comedy special on Netflix called “Baby J.” I like John Mulaney, I think he’s funny. He’s got at least two or three other specials on Netflix from earlier years, but he hadn’t done anything in a while due to some crazy life circumstances he went through. His newest special, “Baby J,” is really him opening up about what the last 2-3 years had in store for him.

Obviously in the last 2-3 years, we ALL went through a little thing called COVID-19. So in a sense, all of our worlds were kind of rocked. But John Mulaney had a particularly difficult time, and he begins sharing that experience in the first few minutes of his show. He kicks it off by describing his process of finally having to deal with his drug addiction and going to rehab. And he does it in a way that is funny! I loved that he just came right out and talked about the elephant in the room. His entire special is about what’s it like to go to rehab, how he really didn’t want to go to rehab, and how badly the drug addiction had a hold on him. And I respect him so much for doing a special all about that. Yes, it’s funny – but it’s also so beautiful and real.

I have no experience with drug rehab, but I admit it did remind me a bit of going into the mental health hospital when I had postpartum depression. So maybe in the tiniest way, I felt like I could relate. I could relate to people being worried about me. I could relate to having to be away from friends and family in a facility that kind of felt like a prison, and where many of my basic rights and choices were taken away from me. But I was only in the hospital for a week. John Mulaney describes being in rehab for months.

Tom Felton's book: Beyond the Wand

It reminded me of another person who recently shared their experience of rehab and addiction: Tom Felton. Earlier this year I read his memoir, Beyond the Wand, and like with Mulaney’s special, I also remember being appreciative that he would share his story and be honest. His story started the same way John Mulaney’s did – with an intervention by friends and family. A bunch of people all gathered in a room for hours on end, trying to convince someone they love to agree to get help. Which both Felton and Mulaney eventually did.

Both Felton and Mulaney describe the intense anger that they had in those moments of confrontation. They both knew they were in bad places, and I don’t think either of them were surprised that they suddenly found themselves at the center of an intervention. But they both describe feeling livid.

What is it about others telling us that we need help that makes us get so angry? Why is anger our first emotion when people who love us want us to get healthier? Is anger covering up our shame? I would guess it’s something like that. And I think Brené Brown would guess that too.

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