Tag: 2023

collage of book covers

Erica’s Favorite Reads – 2023

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I read 52 books in 2023, which was an all-time record for me! I got invited to join a book club at the beginning of the year which really helped me get back into reading fiction.

I didn’t write as much this year, which I guess is a natural trade off – I find that I can only truly devote myself to so many hobbies at a time. This past year I focused on exercising (training for a half marathon) and reading.

Here was the breakdown of genres of books I read this year:

Religious/Spiritual – 14

Fiction – 20

Nonfiction – 12

Memoir – 6

Obviously “fiction” and “nonfiction” could be parsed out more, but I thought I’d leave it at that.

My top favorites for each genre were as follows:

Religious/Spiritual

Finding God in the Waves: How I Lost My Faith And Found It Again Through Science
Faith, Science, Spirituality

I really wrestled with faith this year, and this book was one that was very helpful for me to read as I processed my feelings and tried to make sense of things. Mike McHargue, also known as “Science Mike,” is part of a podcast, “The Liturgists,” that I had listened to in the past, and I always enjoyed hearing his perspective on issues. He is not a black and white thinker, but is very comfortable in the grays, and this was helpful as I tried to balance faith and doubt, and realized that they could both coexist at the same time.

A few other books in this genre that I enjoyed were Love Wins by Rob Bell and How the Bible Actually Works by Peter Enns.

Fiction

The Measure
Science Fiction, Dystopia, Fantasy

It was hard to choose a favorite for fiction, but this book was probably the one I was the most captivated by this year. This was one my book club picked out, and I knew almost nothing about it when I started it. But once I did, I could NOT put it down! Imagine if you could know the exact date of when your life would end… what would that change for you? What if everyone on earth had the opportunity to know exactly when they would die? Would you get married or have kids if you knew you were going to die in your 30’s? What if the person you fell in love with ended up having an early expiration date? I loved how the author really let the scenarios play out of what might actually happen if people knew exactly when they were going to die. It brought up issues of discrimination against people who were determined to die early. For example, would you be required by your employer to share your death date?

There were so many other fiction books I loved this year!

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woman with her head (literally) in the clouds

My Word for 2023: CURIOSITY

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Normally at the beginning of a new year, I come up with a word – a focus for the year ahead. But when January 1 rolled around this year, I was drawing a blank.

I was in a bad place at the beginning of this year. Well, really since earlier than that. But everything sort of culminated in January. I had poured my heart and soul into trying to get pregnant in 2022. I felt like God or the universe (or someone) had given me signs that it was going to happen. And then it didn’t.

When 2023 started, I was so angry. I felt like I was angrier than I’ve ever been in my life. Angry at everyone, I hated everything.

I told my therapist that I was tired of hurting, I wanted to feel better now, but I didn’t know how to make that happen. And she told me that maybe I was doing exactly what my body and mind needed me to do: simply being in a horrible, bad place and just feeling my feelings.

It reminded me of the practice of mindfulness. I needed to be aware, without judgment, of my feelings and just sit with them for a while. If I repressed them or tried to pretend that they weren’t there, I wouldn’t be able to move past them or heal.

Feeling my feelings was not the answer I wanted to hear. I wanted a pill, a drug, a quick fix to my problems. I had felt so many feelings already and it was exhausting! How could I make them go away?

We left that therapy session and I (jokingly) told Dean, “what are we paying her so much for?” She hadn’t solved my problems, she hadn’t fixed my pain. But I found out about 3 weeks later that she was 100% right.

For 3 weeks, I burned with anger at God and the world. I resented hearing about any new pregnancy announcements. I was lethargic and unmotivated about most everything – with the exception that I decided to start training for a half marathon. That was my one goal, my one distraction that kept me grounded. And I had so much anger that running was a good way to get it out, or at least to fuel my runs.

For 3 weeks my body worked through a lot of the hurt. I grieved. I processed. I survived a faith crisis (that’s a whole other story). And then suddenly it started to not hurt as much. I hadn’t “done” anything in particular. I had started exercising (good), I had done a lot of journaling of my feelings (also good), and I had shared and cried with some of my closest friends about my sadness and grief – and because they are wonderful friends, they listened without judgment and offered me grace and compassion.

I’m not going to pretend like it doesn’t still hurt, it does. But the constant feeling like someone has kicked me in the chest has gone away. The clouds have lifted and I’m feeling more like myself, the Erica before joining the infertility club.

Honestly, I had kind of forgotten who I was before becoming so obsessed with trying to get pregnant. It had taken over me. It seemed like all the fun, spontaneous, and happy parts of me had gotten lost, and the only parts left of me were the ugly, angry, and bitter ones.

In that same therapy session where I told my therapist I was tired of hurting, I also told her that I wanted to get another tattoo. “Another tattoo?” she said. She hadn’t even noticed the one I had on my wrist. I then told her that I kind of wanted a sleeve, but that I wasn’t totally sure what I would get – maybe I’d let my tattoo artist help me decide.

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