Category: mental health

Healing Through Theatre: How I Gathered the Courage to Audition for a Play After a 20-Year Hiatus

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A few years ago, I decided that I wanted to try to do more performing. I know this may seem strange coming from an introverted librarian, but I do have a bit of a theatrical side (and definitely a dramatic side – just ask my husband!)

I naturally gravitated towards the arts as a kid.

I had always loved dressing up as a child – I would wear costumes out in public on a regular basis. My favorites were a bat costume and Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.

I grew up singing a cappella in church, learning how to read music and sing the alto part at a young age. And I loved to sing, whether it was church hymns or Disney princess songs, I just loved singing!

And speaking of Disney, I really wanted to be an animator for Disney when I was in 2nd and 3rd grade. I would practice drawing scenes from The Lion King when I had free time in school.

I took piano lessons for a few years and played the clarinet in junior high band.

I never took dance lessons as a kid, but I loved dancing (I mean, who doesn’t?) When I was a young teen, the popular artists of the time were Britney Spears, N’SYNC, and Backstreet Boys (shoutout to all my fellow Millennials!) I had this VHS tape called Darrin’s Dance Grooves, and I spent hours learning the You Drive Me Crazy Britney Spears dance (and had to manually rewind the tape every time I wanted to restart the dance!)

In high school, I tried out for a few plays and was part of the ensemble in A Midsummer Night’s Dream and Rebecca Nurse in The Crucible.

Fast forward to my senior year of high school. I tried out for another play (I can’t remember which one) but I do remember the feelings of surprise and shame when I realized I didn’t see my name on the cast list.

Fast forward again to my freshman year of college. I was really excited about the chance to get involved in theatre and choir. I tried out for the Homecoming musical, Beauty and the Beast. For some reason all they had available were ensemble roles by the time I tried out. I remember there were a bunch of us trying out as a group, and we all had numbers pinned to our shirts. The casting directors watched us a few times and then called out the numbers they wanted to have continue on to the next round. Unfortunately, my number did not get called.

Okay, so theatre hadn’t worked out, but I still had a chance for choir. There were two main choirs, sort of like A-team and B-team choir. During my audition, the choir directors were very encouraging, and they told me I was actually very good at sight reading music. I was so confident that I would get a spot in at least one of the choirs that I almost couldn’t comprehend it when I didn’t see my name on either of the lists – I remember just staring and staring, trying to find my name, and again the terrible feeling of shame overwhelming me.

I was devastated. I don’t think I ever let on to my friends or parents how crushed I was. At that time in my life, I very much avoided outwardly showing my feelings. I was pretty good at pushing those feelings down and pretending everything was okay.

After that it felt like a switch flipped in my brain – I decided I was obviously not cut out for pursuing anything in art, theatre, or music – and so I just stopped trying. I convinced myself it was time to move on towards becoming an adult and getting a “practical” career (which at the time I decided was being a teacher – ironically that did not last very long!)

I really didn’t imagine that theatre would ever be a part of my life again… but life continues to surprise me.

Fast forward many years later, and I have a son, Calvin, who decides he wants to try dance – and it turns out, he’s actually really good at it! He does ballet and gets to perform at Abilene’s iconic Paramount Theatre. It’s a gorgeous theatre located downtown and it just celebrated it’s 95th birthday!

He’s also an amazing artist.

And when he starts taking piano lessons, it’s clear he’s pretty gifted at that too.

I was ecstatic – I could live vicariously through my kid and watch him get to live out my dreams! (A mom’s gotta dream big, right?)

I convinced Calvin to try doing musical theatre last summer (2024) with APAC. You had to be at least 8 years old to participate, and he turned 8 the DAY BEFORE the camp started – so I’m pretty sure he was the youngest participant there! The musical they performed was Shrek Jr. Every kid who signed up for the summer musical camp is guaranteed a part, but they still have auditions to see who gets what role. Calvin had auditioned for a speaking role, but didn’t get it – he ended up in the ensemble (AND as little Shrek, which wasn’t a speaking part, but was still really cool!)

I remember the day Calvin learned what role he got, he was disappointed. Despite this being his first musical theatre experience ever, and him being the youngest kid there, he felt like he had failed. I tried to explain to him that this was all part of the theatre process, and it didn’t mean he wasn’t talented, but that as he gained experience he might get more roles.

I didn’t want him to give up on something when he had so much potential. I didn’t want him to be afraid of failure or taking risks.

And then it hit me – that’s exactly what I had been doing for years. As an Enneagram 1 (aka. Perfectionist) I had avoided or quit anything whenever it was apparent I wasn’t immediately perfect at it. I had given up on theatre and singing and a pursuing a career in anything I didn’t think I would be guaranteed to succeed at (like being an animator for Disney) – because of the fear of failure.

There’s a good reason to fear failure – it hurts. A lot. Especially if you’re the type of person that sometimes ties their self-worth to their achievements.

However, I knew that modeling risk-taking, especially a willingness to fail, would be extremely important for my kid. But it meant that I had to finally face some of my own fears and hurts that I had been avoiding for so long.

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colorful balloons in sunny sky

Learning to Embrace My Life – Focusing on the Positives of Having an Only Child

Erica2 Comments

Emotions are so very strange – I realized I think I am at a point where I no longer want another child. If I could snap my fingers and magically be pregnant today, I don’t think I would do it.

I’m not sure it would be the best choice for our family. I’m not sure we could afford it. I’m not sure my mental health could take it. I’m not sure it would be the best thing for my son, or for my marriage… I don’t know that I could still have the energy to be the type of mother I want to be…the list could go on.

It’s strange to say, but struggling with infertility has allowed (or forced) me to have the opportunity to evaluate my needs, my family’s needs, and our available resources. And the more I am truly honest with myself about it, the more I am beginning to slowly wonder if having one child may be the best thing for our family…

But I’m still sad about it. Bitter and spiteful about it on my worst days… It still occasionally feels like a gut-punch when yet another friend announces they’re pregnant (which seems to keep happening constantly…)

I’m sad that I’ll never experience being pregnant again. I’m sad that my family won’t look like an idealized version of something I’ve seen on t.v. (even though having more kids wouldn’t have guaranteed that anyway…)

I’m frustrated that it seems like everyone else got to choose exactly the life they wanted and didn’t have to suffer through infertility like my family did (I KNOW this is not a true statement – but it feels like it is sometimes – especially if I hang out on social media for too long…)

There are days when I’m so happy with our sweet little family of three – and I find myself feeling overwhelmingly grateful. And yet there are still days when I’m sobbing about the loss of this hypothetical child I’ll never get to meet.

All that to say, it’s a LOT of feelings. Some of my feelings seem like they are in direct conflict of one another, which is a bit confusing. I’m happy, yet sad… grateful, yet bitter… I’m trying to find space to hold and honor ALL my emotions at once. But it’s exhausting.

The first post I wrote about trying to get pregnant with a second child was back in 2019 – almost 5 years ago. I can’t believe I’ve been thinking about trying to conceive another child for that long. My son was only three years old at the time (*now he’s almost 8!)

At that point I hadn’t yet realized we were dealing with secondary infertility – that would be confirmed in early 2021.

We spent another year and a half vacillating between optimism and despair. It seemed like some treatments would potentially be promising, but then in January of 2023 our journey came to an abrupt end, and it was the beginning of really trying to process that we would probably never have another child.

2023 was a difficult year. I had been so afraid of starting the true process of grieving – I knew it would hurt a lot. And it did. I made the choice to start taking antidepressants again because I was struggling so much with everything.

I’ve done a lot of thinking and processing over the last year and a half through the feelings that have accompanied my infertility journey – and a few realizations recently came to the surface for me. Some of them are embarrassing realizations, but I don’t want to be ashamed of them – my feelings make me human, and it’s okay to admit my humanity. And Brené Brown says it’s good to be vulnerable and not live in shame (and she’s a smart lady!)

One major realization was that I found myself ready to start moving into a place of acceptance – I think I’m finally heading into that final stage of grief – which is wonderful, because it means healing has happened. It’s a very SLOW process, and I definitely have setbacks (aka. look up the term “grief burst”)… But I want to start focusing more on the positives of having an only child. I’ve heard a lot of the negatives, a LOT of the stigmas, but I hadn’t really researched the positives until recently.

Realizations About Myself, Secondary Infertility, and Having an Only Child

1. I was struggling with feelings of loneliness. The average number of children a family has differs depending on where you live in the world. Where I live in Texas, it’s much more common for families to have multiple kids, and I realized that I just truly didn’t know very many one-child families. Now if I lived in a place like New York or Seattle, according to Pew Research, my family of three would look more like the norm. Unfortunately, I have no plans to move to New York or Seattle, or other places where one-child families are becoming more and more common – so it can be pretty easy to feel like the odd one out.

“It can feel isolating if you’re the only one in your friend group who has an only child, especially if you are one and done, not by choice. You might feel left out when your friends discuss sibling relationships or baby/toddler stages (if your child is older). Feeling excluded by your friend group can be rough!”

excerpt from One & Done by Rebecca Greene (2023)


I wish I could say that I was more confident in being “different,” but I realized there is a huge part of me that just wants to fit in. It can be painful to not feel like anyone else shares your experience, or even desires it. And to be honest, I’m really tired of painful feelings.

2. My anxiety about being a “bad mom” was majorly triggered. When my son Calvin was about 3 or 4 years old, the “when are you going to have a baby brother or sister?” questions started. People would actually tell me that Calvin would be lonely as an only child. I began to feel like a bad mom because I couldn’t provide him with a sibling. I have a lot of insecurities and previous struggles regarding being a bad mother, so I’m pretty easily triggered when anyone insinuates that I’m not a good parent. Obviously, this is a personal thing that I need to work through (shout-out to my therapist!), and people’s uninformed comments and opinions do not have to make me feel lesser. But it’s hard to stand tall and proud when you are constantly being bombarded with ignorant comments from friends or family, or even random strangers!

3. I bought into a lot of the unfounded stigmas of only children without actually doing my research. When my husband and I first began talking about having children, having one wasn’t even an option because we didn’t want a “spoiled” child. I hate to admit that I bought into that stereotype so easily, but I did. Having siblings does not guarantee anything about how a child will turn out. I know some super down-to-earth only-child adults, and I know some pretty selfish adults who had siblings.

As far as the stereotype that onlies are lonely, that also does not have to be true. From the time Calvin was very young, he has been around many other kids at daycare, school, and church. I have tried to be more intentional lately to invite friends over to play at our house, and I think that has been a good thing for all of us. Calvin also has a more introverted personality, and honestly does not desire to be around tons of kids all the time. Each kid is different, and their relationship needs also differ.

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Review of Britney Spears’ Memoir: The Woman in Me (Spoiler: I loved it!)

EricaLeave a comment

I love hearing people’s stories – obviously I love sharing my own stories, but I also love learning about other people’s experiences. I’ve read a lot of memoirs this year including Michael J. Fox’s, Tom Felton’s, and Elliot Page’s – but the one that I surprisingly connected with the most was Britney’s The Woman in Me.

I was an OG Britney Spears fan. I was in 7th grade when her first album came out, and …Baby One More Time was one of the first cds I remember buying. I remember trying to learn the dance to (You Drive Me) Crazy with my friend Heidi. We practiced it over and over for hours! (Did anyone else have the VHS tape of Darrin’s Dance Grooves?!)

As I got older, I didn’t keep up with Britney’s music as much, but I definitely remember hearing about her in the news and tabloids. I remember when she shaved her head, and the media portrayed her as being “crazy.” I remember a guy in one of my high school classes talking about how he loved the Toxic music video because Britney was basically naked in it. Most of the talk I heard about Britney was either about how scandalous she was or about how people thought she was crazy.

I remember a few years ago when #FreeBritney started trending. My initial reaction was that it was just a rumor, that it had to be fake. But I remember wondering later if it could be true. And if it was true, how truly sad and terrible that would be.

It’s hard to separate truth from fiction – the news can obviously be a very biased source of information, and lately I feel like everything I read I have to take with a grain of salt. But I do think that we did learn that Britney had been trapped in some form or fashion under an abusive conservatorship. I can’t 100% know the truth behind her family’s motivation for doing that to Britney, but it sure does seem like they were taking advantage of her and exploiting her money.

When I heard that Britney had published a memoir, I immediately knew I wanted to read it. The day it came out in October, I searched for it in our library’s online catalog and saw that it already had a wait for it. I put a hold on it and was 5th in line to get it. I expected it to be full of drama and thought it would be more of an interesting read than anything else.

I didn’t expect to connect so deeply to the story. I didn’t expect to be stirred so emotionally by it. Honestly, I almost cried at one point while reading it. After reading it, I just wished I could meet Britney and give her a big hug!

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