Author: Erica

Review of Britney Spears’ Memoir: The Woman in Me (Spoiler: I loved it!)

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I love hearing people’s stories – obviously I love sharing my own stories, but I also love learning about other people’s experiences. I’ve read a lot of memoirs this year including Michael J. Fox’s, Tom Felton’s, and Elliot Page’s – but the one that I surprisingly connected with the most was Britney’s The Woman in Me.

I was an OG Britney Spears fan. I was in 7th grade when her first album came out, and …Baby One More Time was one of the first cds I remember buying. I remember trying to learn the dance to (You Drive Me) Crazy with my friend Heidi. We practiced it over and over for hours! (Did anyone else have the VHS tape of Darrin’s Dance Grooves?!)

As I got older, I didn’t keep up with Britney’s music as much, but I definitely remember hearing about her in the news and tabloids. I remember when she shaved her head, and the media portrayed her as being “crazy.” I remember a guy in one of my high school classes talking about how he loved the Toxic music video because Britney was basically naked in it. Most of the talk I heard about Britney was either about how scandalous she was or about how people thought she was crazy.

I remember a few years ago when #FreeBritney started trending. My initial reaction was that it was just a rumor, that it had to be fake. But I remember wondering later if it could be true. And if it was true, how truly sad and terrible that would be.

It’s hard to separate truth from fiction – the news can obviously be a very biased source of information, and lately I feel like everything I read I have to take with a grain of salt. But I do think that we did learn that Britney had been trapped in some form or fashion under an abusive conservatorship. I can’t 100% know the truth behind her family’s motivation for doing that to Britney, but it sure does seem like they were taking advantage of her and exploiting her money.

When I heard that Britney had published a memoir, I immediately knew I wanted to read it. The day it came out in October, I searched for it in our library’s online catalog and saw that it already had a wait for it. I put a hold on it and was 5th in line to get it. I expected it to be full of drama and thought it would be more of an interesting read than anything else.

I didn’t expect to connect so deeply to the story. I didn’t expect to be stirred so emotionally by it. Honestly, I almost cried at one point while reading it. After reading it, I just wished I could meet Britney and give her a big hug!

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pink flowers

(Secondary) Infertility Grief – When Does it Stop?

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***here is my disclaimer before you read this post – after you read it, you may find yourself thinking
A) Really? ANOTHER post on infertility? I thought she moved on, why can’t she get over this?
B) Wow, Erica is in a really bad place, she needs to get some professional help.
C) Boy, Erica is really self-centered. Doesn’t she see how great her life is, and yet here she is being overly dramatic…

Here are my short answers to the above questions:

A) Yes, another post on infertility. The grief process is not linear, and sometimes I may be doing okay, and other times I may really be struggling. Right now, I’m struggling.
B) I am getting help – I have a therapist and am also planning to meet with my doctor about taking medicine for deprssion/anxiety.
C) I do recognize that I have many wonderful things in my life to be thankful for. That doesn’t make this hurt any less. My grief is valid.

Lastly, there is no pressure to read the rest of this post if you’re not in the headspace to do so, or if your empathy muscles feel particularly weak at the moment. Writing this was helpful for me, and I thought I’d put it out there just in case it’s helpful for someone else.

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As exciting as it is for me to feel that I’ve very much healed from a traumatic experience with postpartum depression back in 2016, that victory feels overshadowed right now by what feels like a losing battle with grief.

I thought I was moving on. I thought I was healing from this. So why is it hurting so much again?

Back in January, I decided it was time to move on from the dream of having another child. It really felt like the right decision at the time. And I think it was.

I started pursuing other dreams and interests. I began training for a half marathon (I’m up to 8 miles now!), I got more involved in my church and in local community events, and it was all very good.

But last month, a last little bit of naive hope came bubbling back up to the surface, and I began to wonder if maybe, just maybe, it could be possible for pregnancy to happen for us? What if we just casually decided to try again? What if, what if, what if???

I made a deal with myself: we could begin casually trying for a baby again if (and only if) I could keep my cool during the process. There was no need for me to convince myself that I was pregnant, there was no need to think that every little symptom meant something, and I definitely wouldn’t get all upset when my period started. I would go into it, knowing our chances were slim to none, and that would be okay.

You would think after living with myself for over 36 years that I would know that there was no way I could be casual about this. And no surprise, I definitely was not!

I am ashamed to confess how quickly I devolved into past habits. In two weeks’ time, I convinced myself I was pregnant, went out and bought brand new (expensive!) pregnancy tests, and was devastated when the results were negative. Immediately, all the bitterness and rage came back. And I couldn’t believe it. How was I back in exactly the same place I had been 6 months ago? I thought I had processed this grief, I thought I had moved on!

Maybe I never really moved on, maybe I just deferred my grief and pain for a while.

I’m honestly scared to face the ultimate decision of permanently moving on. Right now, I continue to try to defer that moment by telling myself “I’m only 36, I have a few more years.”

Will it get easier then? Or do you just live with this constant pain all the time? And how do you do that gracefully?

In the past month, I’ve had four friends that have become pregnant. One of them with their first, three of them with their second child. And to be honest, it hurts. It hurts a lot.

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"on the road to healing"

July 26th – 7 Years of Slow and Steady Healing

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I almost forgot that today is July 26th – today used to be a day I dreaded, the anniversary of when I was admitted to the hospital for postpartum depression. I didn’t even register that today was a significant anniversary until I saw a Facebook memories post from 2 years ago when a friend had sent me flowers. I honestly don’t even think I would have remembered otherwise.

I take this as a good sign, a sign of healing. In one sense, 7 years is a long time. But in another sense, I feel good about the fact that in just 7 years, I’ve been able to process a very traumatic event and move past it. I’ve accepted it as part of my story, I’ve recognized how it has made me stronger and more empathetic to the struggle of others. It is a moment on my journey of life that has made me a better person.

July 26th is also the day that I started this blog – 6 years ago today, one year after experiencing postpartum depression, I created Threads of Anxiety. Sometimes I’m a little hit-or-miss as far as writing and publishing posts, but it’s been something I’ve enjoyed doing, I think it’s helped me become a better writer, and it’s certainly helped me process through some difficult events. In a way, writing is magic, it unlocks thoughts that you didn’t even know you had.

Blogging has also allowed me an avenue to share my story, which has been a huge part of my journey to healing.

Healing doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten the traumatic event, or that it doesn’t hurt a little to think about it. And healing doesn’t mean that I’m “back to my old self.” I’ve been forever changed. But it does mean that I’m moving forward and owning my story, and I’m so thankful to be where I am today.

I don’t know that I could have healed in isolation. There are so many people who have helped me along the way – therapists, my husband, friends, and family. There are people who have reached out to me after reading my blog just to say thanks for sharing it. Others have come up to me to tell me that they, too, were hospitalized for postpartum depression – I realized over and over again that I was not alone in my struggle.

To wrap up, I just want to take a moment to look July 26th in the eye and say, as Jennifer Connelly does in the movie Labyrinth…

You have no power over me.